Journal

By , ....., United States
I think about you all the time. I stay up until I pass out of tiredness. Always tired now, always wanting to sleep. I can’t stay awake because of the pain. I can’t go to sleep because of the dreams.

Of course I know who you are.
But of course you don’t know me.
I don’t even think you see me when I pass you in the hallway……probably not…

You lead me on for weeks,
Then dump me.
I’m left alone and confused.
I’m sick of all these playa’s.

When I look at you my heart explodes and I’m sooo nervous……
When you look at me, you look away…

I feel so alone and cold.
No one knows the real me.
I wish I could tell everyone.
But I’d only get made fun of.

Being a girl sucks.
You always have the pressure of looking hot, flat stomach, sexy bod.
All the drama that comes with it is overwhelming.
Always getting beat down by life…..

I would say I’m emo.
But at school I’m known as a prep.
If only I could show them my feelings.
If only I could show them everything I’m hiding behind my smile…..

If you look deep into my eyes,
You can see the real me.
But no one dares.
I just need someone to tell me it’ll be ok…..

You came to see me today.
I wish you wouldn’t of.
You texted me today.
I wish you wouldn’t of.
Because now you’ve got me sitting around waiting for you,
When I really know you’re not coming.
I got my hopes up, but once again, life came around and kicked me in the face.

I need someone who loves me for me.
Someone I can show my real self to.
Someone who I don’t have to put on a show for.
It’s bad that I now like the fake me more than the real one…..

I can feel myself slipping away,
In to a whole different world.
A world where everything matters-
What I look like, what I wear.
I just want the old me back…..

I can’t stand to be alone anymore.
The pain and loneliness almost kills me.
My insides are fading away.
I’m so empty.
I long to feel,
Anything but sadness and pain.
I long for love.

Always mad, always sad,
Always in pain.
I want the old me back,
Where nothing mattered and I was happy…..

I always feel like crying now.
But I’m too strong to give in.
Maybe I should, maybe I’d feel better-normal again.
But I just can’t,
And it hurts.

This is probably one of the worst breaks I’ve ever had.
Everything felt different with you,
But it turned out to be all the same…..

The rain is beautiful-inspiring and refreshing.
The sun is ugly, to hot and bright and happy for me.
The rain at least blends with my pain…

I promise myself to never let myself do this again.
But every time, I dismiss it because I think things could be different.
It never is…..

I like the cold, rainy, dark evenings where I can sit and watch the rain stream down my window.
It’s so refreshing and serene……
Indescribable.
My soul always feels more at peace after.

I can’t sleep anymore.
But I don’t want to stay awake.
I need someone to talk to.
Someone who understands it all…..

I thought you were different.
Someone who understood.
Someone like me.
Obviously you weren’t.

God I loved you.
Oh how I tried!
But I’m never enough.
I just wish I had someone like me and beautiful in my own eyes.
Someone who understood what I was going through….

Who do I love?
I don’t know anymore.
I can’t like anyone because I can’t get hurt again.
I wish this pain would go away.
I wish things were normal again.
I’m not built to go through this kind of heartbreak again…

Today I feel normal again.
But I know tonight I will be cold.
I look through all my old writings and think how could I be that depressed?
But I know tonight, when I’m lying in my dark room, I’ll feel that way again…





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