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Its kind of funny to pick a point in your life, and remember it again. Just sit in a chair on a bed, even on the drive home from work and remember a random time in your life. Maybe it was a time when you were happier? Maybe it was a time when you were really sad. Maybe it was even a time when you laughed at something really funny. Maybe something you just saw something that made you remember and then that lead to it. Sometimes memories just come back to you at the most random times, and the most random ones.
For me, whenever I’m driving home, or sitting in a chair or on a bed all alone and I let my mind wander I sometimes always think back to when I was sixteen. I don’t know why but it seemed a lot easier being 16 then it did 17, as I am now. Its quite amazing the transformation one can go through in just one year. And as I am sitting, rehashing those memories of when things were so much different. What happened? How did all this happen to me? Are some of the questions that just happen to come to mind as start to get sad, happy, angry, but most of all grateful.
It wasn’t that easy though, but when is life easy in general? We all have hardships, we all fall down and pick ourselves back up, its part of what we do even if were 17, or 67, it doesn’t really matter I remember the day I actually accepted myself for who I was. I was on the phone with one of my best friends and it was after my first boyfriend broke up with me and all the while I kept telling everyone who knew(it was two people) that I was bi. But as me and my friend were talking she said something like:
“I don’t think your bi anymore”
“No, I don’t think so either.”
“I think your just gay.”
“I think so too”
After that I laughed and thought about it for awhile. Me, being gay? Really? Well its not like I haven’t thought about it before.
Yes, I am gay, and it took me nearly 5 minutes to accept it and then I moved on with my daily life.
Growing up in my house was typically easy for me. I was never taught that I couldn’t do anything that I wanted to do. Even though my Dad was in the naval reserves, and my mom dealing with problems of her own, and the fact that both had never had to deal with gay people in general, let alone a gay son. But when your son grows up obsessing over Cinderella, playing with Barbie dolls, and dancing to Britney Spears and Christina Aguilera its kind of hard not to suspect and worst of all not be disappointed. When I came out to my parents it was and will probably be the hardest thing I’ve ever done I always assumed they would accept me for who I was, in fact there was never really any doubt in my mind that when I did come out that they would accept it and they did.
I got caught ditching school that day, with my ex boyfriend. We being the stupid idiots that we were at the time, (well him being stupider then me because he could’ve asked me to drive him to Florida and I would do it just because it was him) decided to park at a forest preserve, we got caught by the cops, and had to be escorted back to school where the attendance officer called our parents. I mean how is a parent suppose to react when they hear that ‘your son was caught ditching with a boy’ it doesn’t make sense really. And shortly after my mom texted me asking if I was okay, and right when I got the text message I new that she know new I was gay, there was no hiding it anymore, and there was no denying it. She knew, which meant that my dad new as well. Oh. My. God.
I new going home that day was going to be hell, and I had this whole fake story that I was going to tell them that I wanted to try pot for the first time. That didn’t work. They called me into their room and after 15 minutes of beating around the bush, it happened my mom kept saying is there anything you want to tell us? Over and over again, then I said is there anything you want to ask me, and they said is there anything you want to tell us, and finally after repeating myself my dad jokingly asked if I was queer. I responded with yes, and I remember my parents kind of smiled that nervous smile looked at each other and looked back at me. I started to cry and said I was so ashamed of myself. But the truth is the only thing I was ashamed of was them finding out, and they just did. My mom rushed over to me balling to saying that I had nothing to be ashamed of and that I am who I am. There was more discussing, more crying, a little laughter, and again more crying. And after it was all over, I literally walked to my room and sat on the floor for a good 45 minutes. I didn’t know what to do, I didn’t know what to think, I just sat there and stared at a point on the wall.
The next day at school while at lunch I almost cried again, I told one of my friends that everything was falling apart, or at least it felt like it. That whole day I just wanted to cry, I didn’t want to be there I just wanted to go home and sleep. As the days went on and started turning into weeks, things returned back to normal. I sometimes even forgot that my parents even new. Things were healing yet again. But yet I still wasn’t happy.
I’m not happy, I’m not going to be happy anytime soon. The one person I ever loved left me stranded, and I really don’t know how you live through that. Months on end after he cut me out of his life he didn’t talk to me wouldn’t answer me. Up until 3 months ago when we finally found a place where things could be good again. And even though we talk and hangout almost every day, somehow I still miss him. But am I missing him? Or am I missing how he made me feel the most like me? Because lets face it, I wouldn’t have came out as quick as I did if it wasn’t for him, I wouldn’t have had to come out to my parents for that matter if I didn’t ditch with him that day. So many things could’ve been left closed if it wasn’t for him. Bu then again I think I’m glad he came into my life. I’m glad he gave me this amazing experience that I will never forget, I’m glad he made me open up myself and I’m glad he gave me the chance to recreate myself and meet people I can’t live without. Junior year wouldn’t have been the same without those experiences, being 16 wouldn’t have been the same if it wasn’t for those experiences. I would not have been the same without those experiences. He’s my hero in an unconventional way.
I guess my parents are my heroes too, because they gave me the most amazing gift anyone could ever give me: acceptance. The day I came out it could have went a lot of different ways, but eh way it did was amazing. I’m grateful that the one thing they said to me was I’m still the same person I was yesterday as I am today, and that I would have a home with them as long as I wanted too. I will always be grateful even if they never know that.
But know that everything is kind of unpredictable I’m left thinking what’s going to happen next? I found my first boyfriend, my first love, my first heartbreak, my first coming out to the parents. All of these firsts, but I can’t help but think I wonder what the seconds with be likes? And how will they effect me? But I guess that’s why its called the unpredictable, because really, you never know what can happen after the first.