August 2, 2010
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I wish I would’ve written this Wednesday night, because it made so much more sense to me then. Don’t get me wrong, it still makes sense… but when he’s around, I’m absolutely sure of myself. This isn’t some devotion of love or anything of the sort… it’s more about the truth to the quote “you can’t always get what you want, but if you try sometimes you might find, you get what you need”. See, this idea always seemed absurd to me because I constantly confuse what I want with what I need. I think we get so wrapped up in the idea of having someone that we make ourselves believe that they are a neccessity in our lives. And then when they aren’t there anymore it’s this whole Romeo and Juliet tragedy… minus the feuding families of course, because you must remember… they are the only ones who are keeping you two from being together. They were no longer in need of your company. That is all there is to it. Accept it.

I don’t want to make this about getting your heart broken because if you’re human, chances are you know how it feels and certainly don’t need me to explain. This is about what comes from the heart break. It isn’t some enormous breakthrough, although it felt like it earlier this week. But then again, I think that those baby blues could hypnotize anyone.

So, here I am. This individual that seemingly has it all together. Seemingly, you see? Perhaps that is why our heart was put on the inside of our bodies… so that people wouldn’t know. Just to scratch the surface, my heart has been torn apart at the seams time and time again… and now I’ve been left with this mangled thing that I don’t feel proud to hand over to anyone. It’s kind of like… well, I got you this awesome present, but on my way over here I dropped it and it shattered into a million pieces.. but I got some not so durable super glue and did my best to repair it… and now I’m handing you this cracked ugly mess… enjoy? But for the first time, I have realized that I don’t have to repair everything and be perfect to be loved. Your heart doesn’t have to be this fully intact beautiful structure. Who’s heart is really perfect anymore anyways?

So, here’s the secret. Maybe you’ll understand this gradually or perhaps it will hit you like a ton of bricks, like it did me. It isn’t about finding someone who’s heart you can have, take over, and dictate. It’s about repairing your own heart with theirs and vice versa. Finding your puzzle piece of a heart. Taking two wounded and mangled hearts and binding those together to complete your fully functioning glorious masterpiece. To love is to perform heart surgery :)

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