I don’t really understand why I’m so attracted to her. It doesn’t really make any sense the more and more I think about it, and for good reason. We’re just so different. We have such different priorities, such different attitudes towards everything that really matters, family, friendship, honesty, and life in general, that it’s hard to believe we could ever agree on anything. Yet we always seemed to agree on everything. It’s almost impossible to remember a time that I didn’t get along with her, from the instant we met, to now. Whenever I was mad at her, it was just me who felt that way, and I never told her. I’m sure she was often mad at me, but never told me, just in the same I could never tell her, because it seemed like we just always got along. I can never remember telling her I was sorry for wronging her, or upsetting her, or anything like that. And that’s because I never did. I just cared about her so much that I couldn’t say anything bad about her. I lost one of the best friends I ever had because of her. I defended her regardless of who was to blame. And looking back, I would do the same thing all over again. Maybe not, but I think if I had the chance to go back, I would do it again, but this time, make sure that we never drifted apart like we have. It baffles me to think that I would go through all of that again. True, there were never any problems with her, just problems with other people that stemmed from her. How odd to think that she was the root of so many problems. I’m even inclined to think she was the reason why everything just changed back in February of freshman year. And yet I’d do it all again if it meant I would have a better chance of finally having her for myself. Every time I decide I’m done with her, that I’ll “never speak to her again”, we always run into each other, by chance, and no matter how cold I am, we always end up talking, and laughing, and joking like we always do. There’s no real way to end it. By the end of each of those run-ins, I’m just as crazy for her as I always have been. I still have that same fatal attraction I’ve always had.
July 7, 2010