I pinch different parts of my skin, forcing myself to look at it. How it just molds right into my hand. Blood swells in my mouth as i bite down hard on my bottom lip to stop the welling tears in my eyes from leaving evidence of my quick trip to the darker part of my mind. I look up at the wide mirror and try not to make full eye contact with myself, i try just too focus on my less then beautiful body that i have cursed myself with. That girl in the mirror, who's eyes i try to avoid, is my own perfect personal bully, she knows exactly what to say to make me crumble. Se knows my darkest fears and vulnerable feelings and loves to expose them for what they are. So they linger with me and haunt me through out the day with just a quick glimpse of my reflection in a window i pass by. I exhale and put my shirt back own, i take one more breath before stepping out of my friends bathroom and going back into her room, with all of my beautiful friends. I have never had ugly friends, ever since 4th grade i have seemed to become best friends with all the prettiest girls of the class, grade, school. They are all amazing and different in every way except they have perfect bodies. I feel there soft glances of uncomfortableness when the catch sight of my thighs or stomach. The bully in my head tells me when they are looking and what they are thinking, surrounding myself with beautiful people and seeing how happy they are most of the time, is just another tactic the bully seems to have become fond of. My friends they try to convince me other wise, saying i am beautiful, but i can see that they are are just being kind to one of there most loyal and closest friends. I have learned that compared to them i will always have my place as the chubby funny friend. I am a happy person, as long as the bully stays away, as long as i push my own problems under other people problems, I'll drowned myself with everything else that is going on, make sure i do everything human possible to keep the bully at bay. To keep her out of my head, so i can try and be me.
July 7, 2010