Is it sad that I still miss him, or is that a part of the natural process of letting someone go? Whenever I put on my big, black jacket it makes me think of when I wore his, and how good it smells, and how good he looks in that white t-shirt! But I need to remember that if I continue going on about him, I’ll just be building up my mountain further. My mountain has been this huge looming presence I’ve built up that grows every time I think about him, or miss him, or talk to him, or see him. I don’t love him though. All the things that I like about him, are the physical. Okay, that’s a bold face lie. I think there was once a time when I loved every last hair on his head, and every last ounce of his personality, but now, I no longer do. There’s no more lesson for me to learn from him, and I’m trying to let go. What I want to know is if this is natural? Missing and wanting him all the time? Isn’t that what I’m supposed to be trying to not do? Maybe I’m just not trying hard enough to block out my thoughts of him. Every time I let my guard down though, an ever present image of him that looms in the back of my mind comes into the view of my mind’s eye and I’m reminded of what I was blocking out. But once it’s there, I don’t want to block it out. I want to feed on our memory, sucking whatever life still lingers in it to sustain myself so I can be in control when I see him the next time, but it always just makes me crave more of him. It’s summer now. It’s been exactly two years since we were a couple and yet I still think of him all the friggin’ time! What is wrong with me? Why must my own mind torture me so? All I know anymore is that I want him, until I get him and change my mind. It’s a vicious cycle really. I still miss him though.
What's Wrong With Me?
June 28, 2010