A day to remember..

I guess it should have been getting easier for me, right? I mean the situation happened over four months ago.. and I was told by so many that, "time will heal." If this is true why isn't time healing.... I don't understand how something so amazing can turn into any mothers worst nightmare.

February 25th 2010:
The day was suppose to have been an exciting day, for not only me but for my boyfriend as well.. I remember walking into the hospital with my head high and my hopes higher. My boyfriend, Bobby standing right by my side with a grin that could make anybody smile. We were young, unexpierianced, and nervous wrecks but felt as though none of this mattered... We were there, we were in love, and we were playing the cards that God had dealt us. I was approximately 7 weeks (normal) the doctors had told me two days earlier, and the babys heart beat was at 134 r.p.m (normal) and everything looked great. This is what caused for the excitment today. I walked into the doctors office with Bobby and though they looked at me like a child, I felt as if I was starting slowely to become an adult.

The nurse then told me that I was having an altrasound, and asked if we were excited.. Bobby and I both grinned and replied with a, "yes." I then asked if I could hear the baby's heartbeat, and she replied- "I think we could work that out.." with a smile. She told me to lay down and relax, and as the picture of our baby came onto the ultrasound screen, I couldn't help but smile as I looked at Bobby and he was doing the same. She then quickly stopped the ultrasound, and had a look of greif as her facial expression... I said "ma'am I thought you were going to let us hear the heartbeat," she replied with a "there wasn't a heartbeat."

At that moment I felt my heart drop down to my knees, and then realized I had fallen down off of the medical bed onto the floor. Bobby tried to comfort me, but I quickly tried pulling myself together and walked quickly out of the hospital room and seeing Bobby's mom and little brother waiting for us to let her know what all was said. I think his mom knew by the look on our faces that there wasn't any good news, and she quickly rushed down the elevator and into the parking lot to smoke a cigerette and start the car. As I slowly walked into the elevator and questioning myself with every step I took, I seen Bobby looking at me with disbelief. We walked in the elevator together and that is when Bobby turned to me and said, "Why Missi?, Why Us?" I couldn't talk, I didn't want to talk, all I wanted was my baby back. I fell to my knee's inside the elevator and prayed to god that this was all a dream, but the car ride back to my house made this dream I prayed this day to be, become more reality...

I couldn't talk to Bobby's family just yet, so I decided to call my mom and all I said was, " there was no heartbeat, its all over. " and she quickly replied with "I am so sorry Miss," and asked if I needed anything. I didn't need anything but my baby.

I can't explain how many nights from that day I have cried myself to sleep, or how many thoughts ran through my head as to which what could I have done better during my pregnancy throughout those 7 weeks. I feel as though I put alot of blame onto Bobby, and that wasn't right of me but at the time I felt as though blaming it one somebody was better than having no blame onto myself at all. I prayed until my hands turned blue, and I screamed until what was once my voice became a graspy whisper.

I guess throughout the months of pain, and trying to avoid any incounters with children I have healed some what since that non-forgettable day in February... but not enough to ease the pain completely.. I still have the baby blanket I recieved from a friend to keep me comfort throughout the pregnancy, and I feel as though I am a little kid again and I don't want to ever give it away.

I don't have a day that goes by where I don't think of our child,
I don't have a day that goes by without wonder,
and I don't have a day that goes by without feeling emptyness in my heart.

I- WILL- NEVER- FORGET.