Two different people

June 6, 2010
By , Crooks, SD
What you see in the mirror when
you look at yourself is someone
that is so different than what others
see. Myself along with so many
others have seen the man that scares
me half to death. The one that has pushed
me around for all these years. The one
that has had his fist inches away from my face.
The one for some reason you can’t see.

Because all of your friends that don’t know
you that well say that you are a great guy. But
they fail to realize the mask you have on, the act
that you perform every day you wake up. But if
your buddies saw behind the scenes they would
see how you treat me. They would see that this
wonderful guys isn’t so wonderful.

Because after
all these years you have never shown me an ounce
of love, respect, or anything that goes along with
becoming a descent human begin. And everyone
who knows me and knows what you have done to
me know that you live a life of lies and hurt. And the
only person you hurt is me.. I’ve been there when you’re
drunk out of your mind, I’ve felt what it’s like to be pushed
up against a wall by you, and to have your fist inches away
from my face, when you’ve blocked the door so I couldn’t
get out. I’ve been through it all with you.

You’re my dad, and the truth is that you have scared me senseless
from the first time on Christmas Eve when I was five, to the summer
of 2010 when I had to run four blocks with no shoes on, screaming into
my cell phone telling my mom to hurry up, because you were coming after
me. And if I had never escaped from you both of those nights and many more
I wouldn’t be here writing this. This is your true identity, this is the true you.
Yet as many times as I have screamed for you to stop you can’t see the person
who you really are. The person that sends shivers rushing through my body.
The person you can’t see.

People think that you are a night in shinning armor,
But all I see is the mean, cruel, man that likes to beat up on women, from age
five and on up. Heck you beat up on everybody that you can. But one day you
are going to run into somebody that isn’t going to allow that, and when you do
you are going to have it coming. And I can only hope that they make you feel as
small, and scared as you have made me over the past 16 years. And that somebody
will make you realize that you are nothing but a coward that likes to beat on people,
particularly me. Because when I was have all I could do was call 911 and wait for them
and mom to come save me from you, from my father that scared me.

You shouldn’t even be called my father anymore. Because you have
never shown me love. You have called me every swear word that man
has thought of, you have done everything that I hope other fathers will
never do to their kids. Daughters or Sons for that matter. Fathers shouldn’t
do what you have done to me over 16 years. Fathers should be there to protect
their children from what you have done to me. But you have never been there,
instead of protecting me you have created the devastation, the hurting, the fear,
the tears. And I along with my family and others know that there are not two of
you just the one that we’ve seen all the time. The one that is mean the one that
has made the young five year old girl do a lot of unnecessary growing up
in a short amount of time.

And now you have pushed me around too much. 16 years, old and I’m
choosing to stand up to you now. Why I didn’t a long time ago remains
a mystery, maybe I was too little. I thought it was okay and I kept my mouth
shut, but now I’m saying enough is enough. You can be your true self, the one that
has done all the damage, the mean one that is nothing but a coward. But don’t ask me
to stand around and let you do what you have done to me in the past. Because I have too
,much to offer this world. Unlike you I want to make the world I better place. And
when I have kids of my own I will make sure that I do not make them fear me like you
have done to me. Unlike you I will be there for my kids, I will protect them from people
like you. Because after you have done the things you have done to me I see no reason
to continue a relationship with you.

Because I have given you chance ,after chance, after
chance, after chance, after chance. And all it does is re-open old wounds that I don’t want open. The more I start thinking the more it hurts feelings come that I don’t want to
feel no longer. I wish my step dad would just adopt me, because he has always been there
for me. He has never hurt me, he loves me, and he’s everything a father that I need should be. Because he would give me the whole world if he could. He will protect from
everything he can, everything that you did to me. What you see in the mirror when you look at yourself is someone that is so different than what others see. We have seen the man that has done nothing but scare me. No longer…you no longer scare me, because after all these years I’m standing up... I’m protecting myself from more hurt more fear. Because there were never two people, just one, the one that did all the damage.

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