Down the Road

June 1, 2010
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When I was six, I wanted to be an angel when I grew up. At nine, I’d switched to being a doctor, lawyer, orthodontist, or journalist. Ask me on Monday and maybe I want to be a teacher, Friday and I’m an aspiring playwright. My life can go anywhere.
But as I come closer to the transition, where school goes from something required to something I’m doing for myself, I find my focus isn’t on building my future educationally or career wise, my focus lies on finding inner peace. High school has been a particularly rough time for me and my ultimate goal for the future is to combat the problems I have and find balance.
When I wake up in the mornings, I want to look at myself and be proud. I want to feel happy about the choices I made and continue to make. I never want to feel disappointed in myself. I never want to ask myself if I did the right thing, how my life would be different if… Instead I want to feel confident that I did all I could to make my life everything I wanted it to be, that I didn’t live always for someone else.

Most important now, is finding confidence. Growing up, I was a very out going person. All the way into freshman year I was a social butterfly, I had no problems making new friends or fitting in. But all of that changed. Now I’m a recluse, on the verge of anti-social, and I don’t even know how it happened. It was as if a switch inside flipped, and all of a sudden I lost the confident me to someone prone to anxiety attacks and unexplained nervousness. I can’t live with this forever.

I hope in the future I unearth the strength to step outside my small comfort zone. So someday I can go back to being the Jauhna who had an amazing life, full of excitement and smiles and laughter. I need to feel that way again. I will remember what if feels like to be comfortable in my own skin.

Ultimately, all I want to find is happiness. I want to look forward to each and every day. I want to be around good people and see them happy too. I want my life to be something I’m proud of, not something I dread.

As far as a career goes, I’m not convinced I know what I want to do. Currently, I’m leaning toward becoming a therapist or counselor for teens. I’ve went through hard times, and I remember what it feels like to think you have no one. I know what it’s like to wake up in the morning and wish you could just close your eyes again. I’ve been on the verge of giving up, and now that I’m making my way back up to the top, back up to valuing my place in this world, I want to make sure everyone else who has those thoughts knows they aren’t alone. I want to tell everyone who’s close to the edge that there really is hope. Hope for a time where they’ll love themselves and cherish the life they were given.

My passion is writing. But I find that I don’t care to pursue many careers based upon it. Most of the writing I do is the form of a journal. It is there that some of my best work comes out, but that is also the only writing I do not share with anyone. I am very proud of my journals and all the time and effort that went into compiling them, and I feel like that needs to be passed onto others. That feeling of accomplishment, and want to spread the word about what you’ve discovered.

I feel that as a counselor, or therapist, I could do exactly that. I can tell teens about the power of writing. I could even share with them how it changed my life. I want to enter this field to help them. To help them see that everyone is worth something, and sometimes you just have to try to see that about yourself. I’d encourage them to write, to draw, to play music, to do whatever it is they do to make their life a better place. To give them hope.

I don’t necessarily need to feel like I made a difference in this world. I’m not even really looking to know that I made a difference in someone’s life. I just need to feel like I tried my best to have a happy life and spread that happiness to all the lives that surround mine.

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