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Letters to Him

I.
Dear you,
I love you. I really, really love you. I figured that out a few weeks ago and it’s been freaking me out ever since. How could I feel this way about you? The you that I’ve known since grade school is too smart, too self-righteous, and too dominating. But the you that I think I’ve fallen in love with is compassionate and strong and brave.
Maybe it’s been happening all along. Maybe this fight was all it took to show me that I absolutely, positively can’t live without you.
18 is the number of times I’ve laid in my bed, sobbing my eyes out and wondering how I could get you back.
14 is the number of times I’ve started to send you angry texts, then deleted each letter one by one.
10 is the number of times I’ve stayed home from school, too depressed to leave the house or crack open a textbook.
If life is a numbers game, then you sure are getting high marks.
I love you, I want you, I need you. Hell, I even see myself marrying you. I’m sick of the way you’ve been acting, you’re driving me crazy. Can’t you see? Don’t people tell you? Are you blind? Acknowledge me, please. Ask me how I am. Stop being such a huge asshole.
Because I love you. I really, really love you.

II.
Dear you,
At first I thought you were right. I looked at myself and saw my self-worth slowly shrinking. I felt terrible; I felt like a failure. I thought I was the one who needed to change.
But you know what I've realized?
I don't. You're just an asshole.
And you're the one who needs to change.

III.
Dear you,
My feelings for you are becoming increasingly difficult to pinpoint. At first, I hated you. Then, I thought I loved you. And later I was absolutely disgusted by you.
But I’m afraid I just miss you now.
I miss the way you used to talk to me, the way you used to laugh at me. I try so much harder now, but it never works. I miss the way you used to hug me hello. And goodbye. I haven’t hugged you in months.
Whenever I think too much about the time that has passed since February, my eyes well up with tears. I miss the past so much it hurts. I miss you so much it hurts.
I feel like my mind is telling me that you’re not worth it, but whenever I see you, my heart pangs with sadness. I try to act normal, as blase as ever, but on the inside I am breaking.
I feel like I’m missing something with you not in my life. There’s no one checking up on me anymore and there’s no one for me to talk to late at night when I’m upset or need advice.
So now I’m sitting here blubbering like a baby, wishing I could un-do everything. I want a back button, a rewind button. I want to go back to the way things used to be.
I just miss you a lot.

IV.
Dear you,
Today I needed to talk to someone. I scrolled through my contacts in search of your name.
And then I remembered.
You probably wouldn’t have listened to me, talked to me, paid attention to me. In fact, you probably wouldn’t have been pleased to hear from me at all. I figured that calling you might end in you hanging up on me, so I did something pathetic: *67.
I just wanted to hear your voice. Can’t you understand that?
It hurts to not be able to talk to you. I keep myself busy in an effort to forget about you. That works up until life slows down and I start thinking again. About you. About our friendship. About who we used to be. About who we are now.
We’ve both changed, there’s no denying it. I just wish you could accept me for who I am. You say that you’re not holding any grudges, but something tells me you are. Why can’t you get over this? I’m willing to let go of the past and create something new.
But I guess you aren’t.

V.
Dear you,
I need your advice right now more than anything. I’m hurt and confused and, well, lonely. I want to talk to you. I need to talk to you.
But the worst part is that I can’t.

VI.
Dear you,
This is why I don’t hang out with you guys anymore. It’s too hard. It’s too hard to sit there and watch you laugh and joke while I pretend to be occupied with this or that.
I just can’t do this.
Being around you makes my teeth clench, my heart pang, my mind whirl. All I want is a little bit of reassurance from you. Look at me. Ask me how I am. Acknowledge my existence. I think you said about five words to me tonight. I miss you more and more as time goes on. And I thought I was done crying over you but apparently I’m not...




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This article has 2 comments. Post your own!

sg421 said...
Jun. 10, 2010 at 11:32 pm:
love, love, love your piece!
 
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amandy said...
Jun. 3, 2010 at 11:44 pm:
this is really sad :(
 
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