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letting go

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life expects the world from you. perfect hair. expensive clothes. amazing bodies. you have to be cool and awesome while still getting good grades. you want to be able to go to college but lord knows you can’t be a nerd. it seems like you have to please everyone, like your own opinion doesn’t matter. what everyone else wants will change you into someone you don’t even know.

Peer pressure affects everyone differently, from gaining a mask of makeup to losing old friends. I’ve come to notice that now I don’t let anything go. Funny looks, simple mistakes, It all seems the world to me. My mind is a pack rat, storing masses of unwanted yet addicting memories to clutter the spaces of my brain leaving no room for the things that truly matter. Once some girls had a chat about how big my ears were, comparing me to dumbo and having a good laugh. I didn’t talk to either of them for two years.

This rather attaching state of mind not only affects me in normal life but in gymnastics too. On Bad days I find myself glaring at everyone and everything, wishing I was perfect in every way possible, no worries, no regrets. Coach gets mad at me for having attitude but I felt no disrespect towards anyone but myself. even worse are the times at competition when I screw up when it actually counts. The first time that happened coach chewed me out in front of everyone, threatening to scratch me from the competition. The last time it happened was at the most important meet of my life when I ruined beam and lost first place. Months went by of utter disgust towards myself and gymnastics while accepting another failure took even longer.
I think my issue began early on with family, 99% being my brother. As a child no matter what I said could be turned around to make me the stupid one. simple questions would sustain an opportunity for ridicule and shut me up as the though of my own embarrassment festered in my brain. I still recall and regret my own statements that were put down ever so harshly. Even as early as three or four I adapted to shoving obvious comments aside and following others. i started to think of myself as imperfect and unpleasing and never let that go.

I should have never let the negativity of life into my head and learned that the past is gone and the future holds more importance. The way I look at things is differently now. I had myself convinced that constantly reminding myself of worse times kept my head in the cruel, rreal world but I know now that all its doing is holding me back from what I have the potential to become.





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