How to Be a Good Sister

May 9, 2010
You all have her. Or, most of you do. You know her motives, her embarrassing moments, and her eating habits. You know her report card grades and her television viewing schedule. You have mastered the art of getting her in trouble. Heck, you live with her. But sometimes, knowing all of this can become chaotic: as silly as it sounds, a “how to” book would just about cover everything needed to know. Well, here it is. Spotting a “good” sister can be difficult, but there are certain traits to possess that make it as easy as pie.
The typical good sister ranges from ages 3 and up, or whenever she begins walking and talking. She normally carries Type A blood, has brown hair and brown eyes, and enjoys watching American Idol. But that's all just good fun. Let's get to the nitty-gritty stuff.

First, this sister must be an avid stealer. Not at the mall or outside the house; she must steal from your room. Some of the top items to be stolen include clothes, makeup, brushes, and even jewelry. This is just the base of it though, because the rest of the stealing lies in the stealth of the whole affair. She might accomplish this desired secrecy when you are at school, when you are at a friend's house, or even when you are sleeping. If she is a true professional, she might even steal the item, wear it, and return it before you even have the time to run to your room.
Aside from being stealthy, the sister must be a first class tattle tail. I'm talking Susie-just-poked-me-with-a-blade-of-grass tattle tail. Famous tattle tailing elements include timing skill, knowing limits, and of course, the art of the fake cry. She must go all out, all the time to wear this medal around her neck. And if she does, then she wears it proudly because she knows she has made your life a living nightmare. She has even gone as far as setting you up to be tattled on, which takes a cunning and sharp mind to accomplish.
Next, this stealthy tattle tail must always get what she wants. 94% of the time does not cut it. Neither does 99%. She will always find a way to want something more, and she will not be afraid to let you know. You might be somewhere as simple as the supermarket and she will find something that Mom clearly does not approve of and never has, but she will kick and scream and whine and moan until she gets it. And you'll watch this happen and wonder, 'how does she do it?' Which is when you'll remember: she's a good sister. But don't be fooled, because she is not limited to simple supermarkets. Other places of interest include clothing stores (self explanatory), pizzerias (those garlic knots can be killers in mass quantities), pet shops (who else would be the one to insist on the pet gerbil?), convenience stores (they sell dirty-joke-infested cards), and Tiffany & Co (again, self explanatory).

But, here's the ultimate twist: no matter how much she steals, no matter how much she tattles, and no matter how much she whines, the sister is always there. It doesn't have to be anything big. In fact, the smaller things are more meaningful, like grabbing you the last piece of bread she knows you love so much, texting you a funny joke to brighten your day, or even giving a voice to one of your favorite stuffed polar bears. Although it might not be as easy as pie, having a sister is one of the greatest privileges of life. Well, let's not go too far.

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