A Closet

May 11, 2010
By , San Pedro, CA
It's easy to lie about something you've been lying about your entire life...not that anybody asked you. Why would they? The blonde and bouncy dancer, it only makes sense that she would go with the tall, handsome football playing guys. And she tried it. From 7th grade to 9th grade, she dated the boys others wanted, that she should have wanted. But when she'd look at them...she'd feel nothing. They'd sweet talk her, treat her like a princess, but she never wanted them. She just wanted to hang out and talk. The attraction was missing. And why? Well, because who she wanted, were nowhere near to boys. She'd sit there, stuck holding the hand of a boy wishing with all of her might that he'd turn into a girl somehow...she had no such luck. Until English class, 7th period, sophmore year, She got sat next to a girl. A girl with dark brown hair and the most beautiful ocean colored eyes. She was standing behind the closet door now, about to explode and come flying out. She had never wanted a girl this much, where she would risk ever ever ever coming out. Luckily, this girl was a ditcher, so the chances of seeing her went down dramatically. Until January, she walked into class and her ocean-eyed girl was sitting there smiling at her, a note in her hand. From that day forward, they'd talk the entire class, regardless of the trouble they'd get in. A few weeks into talking, the ocean-eyed girl started to talk about a girl named Gabby, and how much she liked her. This was a surprise, and a disappointment. She could have a chance! If she wasn't so scared to. January through September, she stayed too scared.
Then on October 3rd, they went to see Zombieland together and held hands the entire night. October 26th, they kissed.
On November 7th, her ocean-eyed girl asked her out, and she said yes. She still hadn't told anyone yet. Then one day, her mom called her into her room.
"Are you pretending to be ****s girlfriend?"
(Insert panic attack here)
"No mom, I'm not pretending..."
This didn't fly with her mom.
"So are you her girlfriend?"
Deep breath, here it comes.
"Yes, yes I am."
"So what you like girls now?"
"Uh yeah, I always have." Incredibly awkward silence, and she took it as her cue to leave. Did you notice, that she hadn't come out? She had admitted to it but she hadn't said it.
I didn't truly come out until 6 months later. And it was to one of my Christian friends. It was one of the most terrifying moments of my entire life. And even though I burst into tears when telling her, all she did was hug me and kiss me on top of the head, and told me that she loves me no matter what. I finally walked out of the closet after 17 years and two months.

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