Cultured Cowardice

March 7, 2010
By bae.sanga BRONZE, BAYSIDE, New York
bae.sanga BRONZE, BAYSIDE, New York
1 article 1 photo 1 comment

We meet for the first time and exchange pleasantries, our eyeteeth peeking through our lips and our hearts fluttering with excitement. There is no difference to me in meeting you for the first time and meeting anyone else for the first time. My first impression of you is quickly fleeting, and is quickly buried beneath my first impression of another.

I can't remember my first impression of you was, nor am I sure that I want to.

But despite my useless initial impression of you, it is the time that we began to spend together that made the fluttering of my stomach flow to the blubbering of my words, my eyeteeth becoming more and more eager to shine for your sake. And it was for your sake and yours only that my mouth began to weave garlands of the the most beautiful words for you, so that you'd be drawn in by its unnaturally sweet scent -- its unnatural precociousness.

Your head longed to rest upon my lap while you dozed off to sleep, and my fingers ached to be intertwined with yours to feel a sense of belonging and security; but neither of us had the courage.

And because of our individual shortcomings, we danced around what could have been our relationship, with wild words; each of us were sure that we knew what the opposite party had been thinking. A slight, careless wave of my hand was deciphered as disapproval and disgust in your eyes, and your silence took root within my heart to grow as doubt, the bane of my existence - and ultimately, the bane of our relationship.

And we slowly turned, about-face from each other, and began to delve into other relationships that we were unsatisfied with because we were too afraid to be honest with ourselves. But we deceived ourselves into thinking that we were happy with these compromises that we made.

When I cried underneath my sheets at the darkest of hours, I wondered if you were crying too, wherever you may be.

We disrobed ourselves of our psyche and grew devoid of emotion, cramming our feelings away like clothes beneath the eaves of our consciousness. The lingering heat upon our feelings was and still is the most painful part of it all.

And now I ask of you, putting my cowardice behind me,

Let us burn down what stands in our way and let no more green-eyed beasts lie dormant within us.

The author's comments:
For all of you who have been unsatisfied.

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