Dear diary,

My head hurts. I don't know if it's from the endless tears I am shedding or from the hair pulling I've been doing, contradicting my reason to remove pain. All I hear is yelling, loud and angry yells thundering back and forth between my parents. Yea, this is one of those days, a day in which fingers are pointed to figure out who is too blame for the chaos that never fades in this house. Anger is twisting and turning in my stomach, I feel like throwing up. My father is a very funny man, he laughs, jokes, and puts smiles on peoples faces. Today, I don't know who my father is but he is not putting a smile on my face.

I am sitting in a dusty corner of my room. While the father figure who has always been cheerful and loving expresses a different kind of love, one that hurts me, one that bruises me up. He tells me that everything is my fault, that i have caused the misery that is held in this house. I am confused. What have i done? why is this my fault? As I sit in this corner I close my eyes to ease my pain, as I do this I begin to see random faces, strangers with plain faces. I look at each face wondering, if they have days in which they are being blame for something. I can't see their pain,Ii can't see if they too have shed numerous tears. Can they see mine? I dont think so.

I open my eyes to a loud bang. I crunch up and try to squeeze myself as close to the corner as possible, maybe if i get lucky enough I pass through it like those magicians. I shake my head and tell myself " I don't wanna be here, I don't wanna be here" I close my eyes as shower of tears surround my words " I don't wanna be here." I imagine myself disappearing. what would the world be like if i wasn't here anymore. who would care? what would change? what would not change? I'm screaming and yelling but once again, no one can see it and no one can hear it. Just like I can't see their yield for escape.

I close my eyes. I think about dreaming, and how I can escape from this chaos. I try to fall asleep. My overall pain does not let me find the comfort of this hard floor and this cold wall. The last thing i hear before i fade out is my daddy's roar, my daddy's sarcasm, my moms whimpering. I remind myself that even though i can escape to my dreams for a few hours, when i wake up I m going still be in this same spot, feeling the same pain. It'll just be a new day and a re-energized male hand.





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hurtangel said...
Apr. 21, 2010 at 5:22 pm
your definately not alone. evey time my parents fight i feel like im going through hell. their fighting actually made me start cutting myself. ur surely not alone.....
 
chuliiRAWR replied...
May 1, 2010 at 4:44 pm
i used to cut myself too but i stoped because i was tired of getting hurt and hurting myself.. writing helped me cope with the stress.. how do you cope with things like that..?
 
hurtangel replied...
May 20, 2010 at 4:44 pm
im still working on coping with it. one of my close friends told the school counselor and she helps me a little bit. but i am trying to quit for this guy i like. he said he is really worried about me and i totally opened up to him and he's helped me a lot. but if you ever feel like you are going to cut again you should call a close and  TRUSTED friend and just talk to them about whats going on and try to get your mind off of the subject cutting. it works for me most of the time.
 
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