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The screen lit up. 1 new text message received. Great, another one.
Did what to me again? made up some kind of fake drama so you could feel important? Yeah pal nature.
That girl needs to shut up and try to understand what I've been trying to say to her all night. That she needs help and that I wanted to try and help her even if that meant she had to hate me. I tried every possible way to tell her. I tried being mean. I tried being nice. I tried being clever and I tried having someone else tell her for me. Nothing worked. So after a while I just gave up and went to bed.
I didn't sleep like I had wanted to, though. I just lay in my bed thinking of the old times when we had actually been friends....
SHE seemed like a nice girl and was always laughing at something (even if it wasn't funny). Everybody warned me about her and her family, but I thought "Hey, just because her family might have problems doesn't mean she is a bad person." And so, even with all the warnings, we became friends.
We were the best of friends. I mean, seriously, we were like one person put into two different bodies. We laughed about the same things. We talked about the same things. And we liked the same things. But all that changed one day, when SHE told me a dark secret that would change both of our lives forever.
We were supposed to be working on some story thingy, but since we got to work on the laptops...Well, we weren't doing a whole lot of working. What do you expect of a 13 year old? There's more important things then writing stories. Like, for instance, playing a game of truth.
It wasn't really a game of truth so much as just telling each other secrets, but it was WAY more fun then typing a story. Anyway, so we were sitting there telling our secrets to each other and in all of like three seconds, the mood turned from a happy, fun time to a bleak, gloomy one. I looked up at HER and the smiling, fun loving girl I knew was gone. SHE was replaced by a tired girl that looked like SHE had lived through a huge earthquake. It was then when I realized SHE was going to tell me something that SHE had kept locked away for a long time.
Instead of just telling me what that something was SHE opened up Word Pad on the laptop and typed something. SHE tilted the laptop so I could see and I read what SHE wrote.
"I was raped." It said. I was confused and astonished that SHE hadn't told me sooner and all I could say was:
SHE began typing again, but this time with tears in her eyes. SHE had wrote:
"Yeah, when I was five and eleven, but you can't tell anybody. I'm not ready for anybody to know yet." I could tell that SHE was scared. SHE had just trusted me with one of HER deepest, darkest secrets and I didn't know what to do with it. I was scared and confused and I didn't know what to do. So I didn't do anything. We didn't talk about it anymore and I figured that was that. Boy was I wrong.
Something was wrong. SHE wasn't smiling today. Something was definitely wrong and I was determined to find out what it was. I asked HER what was wrong and SHE gave me a note, I figured it had to do with what was wrong with HER so I opened it up and read it.
I don't remember exactly what it said, but I do remember that it said SHE was raped again by the same person and that the note wasn't originally for me. That part kind of pissed me off.
After that, SHE started to act like the world had to feel sorry for HER. SHE started smiling less and less and when I would ask HER what was wrong the answer was always:
I didn't know what to do about HER being raped so I kept my mouth shut like SHE had asked me. I didn't want to ruin our friendship, but what happens next will change all that. What happens next will change HER in a way I can't explain.
That note that wasn't originally to me, well, it was originally to TERRY.TERRY had been through what SHE was going through and I guess SHE thought that TERRY would understand what SHE felt like. TERRY must've understood exactly what SHE felt and knew that the only way to make it a little bit better was to tell somebody. So TERRY went to our Guidance Counselor and told her about HER. Now I realize that I should have done that when
SHE had first told me and then maybe I could have saved HER from the pain of being raped a third time. Geez was I stupid back then. And guess what? It all went downhill from there.
I was mad at HER for expecting everybody to feel sorry for HER and for expecting me to deal with HER problems for HER. I was mad for a lot of reasons, but those two were the main ones. So instead of just dealing with it maturely, I wrote HER a note that was SUPER mean telling HER how I felt about everything. When I said SUPER mean, I wasn't exaggerating. Not even the tiniest bit. I suppose you could say that I deserve what happens next, and maybe I did. But that doesn't mean it was right. That doesn't mean it was right to make me feel alone and worthless.
I gave HER the note the next day at school and waited for HER to say something back. Since SHE wasn't in my class for the first two hours of the day I had to wait until third hour gym class until I saw HER again. That's the part I really remember. Waiting. Everything seemed to be in slow motion. I sat in Science imagining what SHE would say. I thought maybe SHE would be nice about it and say that everything was okay and I didn't have to worry about anything. It was all under control. I didn't care if it was a lie. I just wanted HER to say it. I needed HER to say it.
Those two hours seemed like an eternity, but they finally passed and it was gym time.
I was anxious to hear what SHE was going to say so I rushed to gym. I changed into my gym clothes and went into the gym. SHE was already there, but SHE didn't say anything to me because SHE was talking to some other people already. The gym teachers took attendance and we were told that we were going to play scramble ball.
"Perfect," I thought. "Now I'll actually get a chance to talk to HER."
So when I got out in scramble ball, I sat down and, thankfully, SHE was sitting out right near me with another girl, HOPE. Before I could get a chance to open my mouth and say something to HER, HOPE scooches over to where I'm sitting and says:
"SHE wants to know what the heck that note was all about."
"Why doesn't SHE ask me herself?" I asked knowing that SHE wasn't ever going to tell me what I needed her to tell me.
HOPE just shrugs and scooches back to HER. I figured that HOPE actually did know, but she just wasn't ever going to tell me either. I looked around and saw people looking at me like I was the devil or something. Then something inside my brain clicked and I realized that when SHE was talking to those people earlier SHE must have told them everything I wrote in the note. Oh, man. Was I in for it now.
I walked into Social and sat in my normal seat, but today it didn't seem normal for some reason. But maybe that was because of the people around me who were glaring at me. Yep, it was definitely the glares. The people who used to be my friends were now nothing to me, but I guess they were something to HER. The people who I hung out with didn't even like HER and I didn't understand why they would just dump me for HER. Maybe they were afraid of me and thought that since I wrote HER that mean note I was going to be mean to them too. I don't know, but either way, SHE won them over.
Every day at school was like my own personal living h*** and SHE intended on keeping that way. That mean note I wrote HER had this thing and the end of it about recycling or something and SHE and my "haters" thought was the most hilarious thing in the world. So I guess SHE thought it would be funny to slip a poster into my locker that read:
"Don't Forget To Recycle! But next time it shouldn't be your friends. Oh and love your haters because they may be the only people you have!"
No joke, that's exactly what it said word for word. So you can imagine how I felt. Not only did I feel alone and worthless, now I felt pissed off on top of all that. I imagine that was what SHE had wanted me to feel and that's why SHE put the poster in my locker, but, hey, there's always two sides of a story.
Then we weren't fighting much anymore and everything just kind of blew over. Not saying that we were friends again or anything, but we weren't really enemies anymore either.
One day I got called down to the office during band. I was confused because I didn't know why I was going down there, but I had a bad feeling it wasn't good. I got to the office and went inside. The office lady told me there were people here to see me and my heart nearly jumped out of my mouth. Social Services people. This was about HER.
They asked me questions about HER and HER home life and I answered them, trying not to throw up from nervousness. I didn't really know what I should've told them because I didn't know how much they knew about the whole thing. They probably could tell that I was nervous because I started babbling. But me babbling worked to their advantage because I ended up telling them everything in the end anyways.
After they were done talking to me they brought HER in and as we were walking past each other on the way out we gave each other this kind of scared, What the heck glare. Man I never want to do that again. Not even for money. Ok maybe for a million dollars... just kidding!
One day SHE and I went to the Guidance Counselors office so SHE could talk to me, privately. We sat down in the squishy chairs and SHE looked me on the eyes and told me that SHE was never raped. SHE told me that SHE made it all up. I looked HER in the eyes and all I saw were lies. I held HER gaze for a second and then I looked away and said:
"Okay." Even though I knew it was a lie. Even though I knew it wasn't ok.
When I walked out of that room I was hurt that SHE had just lied to me. SHE looked me right in the eyes and lied to me. Me, the person who SHE had first told about HER being raped. Maybe SHE did it because SHE thought SHE couldn't trust me anymore. Because I supposedly told people about HER being raped. SHE told me I wasn't supposed to and I never did. Well, until now that is. I told HER that, but even so SHE told me SHE talked to the cops and they were going to talk to me about telling people about HER being raped. Guess what? They never came. SHE told me it was because SHE told them not to, but how could I believe HER, especially after all the lies?
I’ve always believed that everyone should have a second chance, so I didn't hesitate to give HER one. But then SHE started making wrong choices and lying. I wasn't going to put up with it. Not this time around. I told my friends that and they agreed with me.
SHE got pissed off because SHE believed that I was taking HER friends away from HER and that I made everyone mad at HER for no reason. But really I think SHE just wanted to blame somebody for everything and blaming me was easier than accepting the truth.
I was okay with that. I still am.
One of my friends started going down HER path and started lying too. But then my friend told me later that she was really just scared of HER. I was surprised that my friend had said this, but maybe my friend was lying? I couldn't know for sure, but I think my friend was probably telling the truth. I mean SHE always has had a scary temper. But maybe that's from all the stuff that has happened to HER in HER life???
SHE thinks that I want to make HER life miserable, but just because SHE made mine like that doesn't give me the right to make HER life miserable. Truth is, I did want to make HER life miserable at first, but then I realized that would make me just as bad of a person. SHE thinks I want to because SHE thinks I'm a bad person so I'm not going to prove HER right. I'm not trying to be a super hero or anything; I'm just trying to do what's right to make up for all of the things I've done wrong.
I feel like by writing this it might hurt some people and I don't really want that to happen. One person in particular I DON'T want to hurt is HER. If I hurt HER, SHE will make everything 10x worse than it already is and I'll be in a butt load of trouble. Why would I get in trouble for telling the truth? Well, I really don't know the answer to that, but SHE always finds a way.I might get in trouble for writing this, but I just want you to know that this is the god's honest truth (the way I remember it) because the truth is very hard to come by these days. And because I'm incredibly sick of people's lies. Nobody deserves to be lied to unless they ask you if they are fat. In that case, you always say no. I know everybody lies, but some lies are big and some are tiny. I don't care about the lies that are tiny because nobody really cares about those lies (unless it's your mom of course). but big lies should never be told because they ALWAYS hurt somebody.
I Wish Everybody Would Just Tell The Truth. Then There Wouldn't Be Any Drama In The World. Everybody Would Be Happy. Nobody Would Be In Pain. But I Guess You Can't Have A Rainbow, Without Any Rain. :)
I read HER story and it's about this girl named Jane who kills herself. SHE told HOPE that SHE was Jane. Does that mean SHE wants to kill herself? I know SHE'S talked about killing herself before, but SHE'S always told me SHE'S "tired of living, but scared of dying." I don't know if SHE does all of the stuff SHE does to get attention, or if it's actually true, but I'm tired of trying to figure out if it is or not. So if you want to deal with it, be my guest. I'm done.
I found out that SHE hates me so much because I "told" everybody about HER being raped and because I make everyone mad at HER. Gawd! That was all last year! I don't know how many times SHE said it was ok and that what happened last year didn't matter. Now SHE turns around and says that SHE hates me for that! ARG! I bet SHE thinks I'm going to tell everyone about HER dad abusing HER too. Well, I'm not. I don't do that kind of bull crap and if SHE knew me SHE would actually know that! But since SHE doesn't know me SHE obviously can't possibly know what I might do. Yeah and SHE thinks I'm fake! SHE shouldn't be talking!
Thank you for the memories guys, even though they weren't that great. Thank you for being my friends at one point even though you weren't great at it. Thank you for the lies even though they weren't great. All of this taught me some things about life that I never would've understood before. I know that you think of me now as a person who is pathetic, loves drama, and loves attention. But the truth is if you think that, you must not know me at all. If you did you would know that the stuff I do isn't for attention, it's not. It's to make everything better half of the time. I don't want to be a "hero" or even a super villain. I just want to be me. I know this story will make you mad, but it's a risk I'm taking.
If you're reading this please GET SOME HELP. Please, I'm begging you.
A true story
Names have been changed (obviously)