My mind went over and over and over why I might not trust him. I had thought about it so many times since he and I had gotten back together. The funny thing is, until last night, I didn’t remember what I had already figured out when he and I were broken up. Last night I remembered what I had felt when we broke up. I smiled because I finally got it. I finally knew.


I don’t trust him because I feel like I can be easily overshadowed by most other girls. I feel like he picked me as a second choice when things didn’t work out with the girl he cheated on me with. I feel like some other girl could come along, at any second, and be his first place. I feel like a consolation prize. I feel like nothing.


Yes, I know he loves me. Yes, I know he does care about me. Yes, I know he says I mean everything to him. But I fear he could care about and love someone else more, someone else could mean more. That someone wouldn’t ugly, boring, or bland.


If, when I had called to break up with him for cheating on me, he had just said he’d break up with her, or that he loved me more, I probably wouldn’t have broken up with him. I feel like he loved her more than me. Maybe that’s true, maybe it isn’t. Yet once, after we broke up, he sent me an e-mail in response to an e-mail I sent him (I sent him my Teen Ink articles about the break up) saying he’d like another chance with me if things didn’t work out with him and the other girl. That hurt. I also texted him and asked if he had ever loved me, he said he had. But he phrased it in past tense.


I can’t break up with him now even though I am scared of him finding a better girl than me. That is what it comes down to. It is like Bella in the book Twilight; I don’t feel good enough for my boyfriend. I feel like he could find so many girls who are better than me. I guess I’m at the point where I’m just going to let things happen as they will, even though it’s scary. Sometimes I guess I just have to try. Maybe I can even try to trust him, now that I realize the main reason I don’t.