Trust

By , Chicago, IL
From as far as being eight years old, I remember keeping a huge secret from my parents. I was afraid of how they might’ve reacted; I was afraid they would be ashamed of me or even hate me. It ate me up inside thinking that I could never trust my parents with anything, and it that lead to years of struggle between my parents and I. I didn’t know how to tell them. I didn’t know how to tell my parents that their first child, the only boy, and the last remaining Rosario in my family was gay.


I was raised in the Christian and Catholic Church, so at an earlier age I was told that homosexuality was an abomination. I was told that men who loved other men or that woman who lived other women were unworthy of God’s grace. They basically told me that I should hate myself. Hearing something like that from a person, whom you were told to believe, really corrupted my self esteem and the trust I held for anyone. As I went on with life, that barrier that kept me from accepting myself and from trusting my parents grew stronger.


But, after years of hiding, I decided that it was time to start accepting myself. I had to be able to trust my parents and come to terms with myself. I decided that I needed to love who I am before I the courage to tell anyone else. As I sat in my room one night, reading one of my favorite books “Rainbow Boys”, I came across one section were one of the characters repeated the line “I am gay” until they were able to accept it. As a result, I decided to do the same; I was hoping I would get the same results. I put the book down and looked in the mirror, staring at a face that I knew wasn’t real. Seeing my reflection had enraged me; it infuriated me. I couldn’t stand that I had been okay with lying to myself for so long. Soon I began to scream the words “You’re gay, you’re gay, you’re gay!” until I was reduced to tears. It was at that point I knew what I was, and I finally accepted it.

The following morning I made a plan to come out to my mother. Honestly, I wasn't ready for her reaction, whatever it was going to be, but that was what I wanted. I wanted her awnser to hit me while my guard was down, so that it would make me stronger for future come-outs. After breakfast, i sat my mom down on the couch while my sisters, and father, went to their rooms. I hesitated for about a minute before I was able to get the words I wanted to say out. I said "Mom...I...think that...im...g..gay." Her expression turned into a confused/ worried look, while she had tears rolling down her face. I, too, began to cry. In my head I just knew that she was going to disown me; she was going to hate me for being who I was.
Fortunetly, I was dead wrong. She asked me if it was what I wanted. I told her that it wasn't a choice; that it was who I am and I couldnt change that. She suddenly smiled and embraced me in her warm and loving arms. We cried for three solid minutes when she looked at me and told me the words that i'll never forget: "Matt, I will love you no matter what you choose to do with your life. Im so proud that you came and told me what was bothering you all of these years. You are MY son and I will support you in whatever you do." The weight that pulled me down was finally lifted off of me. I was free!

Eventually, I told my father, the rest of my older family, and my friends. They pretty much gave me the same reaction as my mother gave me. My Tio Juan used to say to me: "Friends walk in and out of your life, but family will always be there". As it turned out, he was absolutuly right.





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This article has 4 comments. Post your own now!

kang shi said...
May 11, 2010 at 10:05 am
i luv it yo my besty did this watttt!!!!!great job babe c u on dah flip side!!!!!!
 
Ms. Anderson said...
Mar. 25, 2010 at 8:25 am
I am very proud of this individual for not only being published on a website, but for finding and accepting himself. I hope this story inspires others as it has inspired me.
 
Ms. Sale said...
Mar. 24, 2010 at 4:35 pm
Very proud of my student for 1. writing so thoughtfully and with such strong organization 2. becoming confident in himself and his abilities.
 
jlopez said...
Mar. 23, 2010 at 4:43 pm
OMG, this is my bestie and he told me and i as there for him all the way.
 
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