The Test

March 4, 2010
By , St. Louis, MO
We bought the test from Walmart and went straight to Jaymes. I was really nervous, even though in my heart I already knew the answer. Jayme and Sophie waited in her room while I took the test. I left it face down on the sink. Washed my hands and went into the bedroom. I couldn’t look at it first. My whole body was shaking and I was freaking out. After about two minutes Jayme and Sophie went to check out the results. I vividly remember laying on her bed in my skinny jeans, heels and open back navy top. I was praying so hard to God that if I wasn’t pregnant I wouldn’t have sex again until I was married. After what seemed like an eternity of praying. Jayme walked in by herself. I knew right when she walked in what the answer was. I sat up and stared at her in the face, and she burst into tears. She plopped down on the bed next to me, and we both started balling. My life would be changed forever.

A decision is a conclusion or resolution after consideration. Life is full of them. People make decisions and have to reap the consequences or they get benefits of the good ones. These different decisions shape who we are as individuals and how our life turns out. Either for the worse or for the better. Everyone in high school has their own group of friends. Who all have different dreams and goals out of life. Sometimes we make the decisions that alter the dreams and goals, how they come true or are accomplished. At the end of the school year last year, I got involved with this guy. Who wasn’t the best guy I should say. We dated all through the summer and the beginning of the next school year, and then the second week of school I found out that I was pregnant.

First of all, my family is very religious. We go to church every sunday, and small groups on sunday night. When a family member goes through something hard, such as; falling away from God. It is a huge deal. I have one best friend, only one Jayme Smith. We have been best friends since fourth grade, we are basically like sisters. So when anything life-changing happens to one of us we are both effected. It was a hot august night, the second week of school starting. I had worried already for a while about being pregnant, so Jayme and I along with our friend Sophie at the time, got dressed up and went to dinner. We planned to buy a test after that and go to Jayme’s house to take it.

Knowing my parents were very religious I knew that abortion wasn’t an option with them. I also knew I couldn’t live through that. My aunt presented the option to me when I got up the guts to tell her. She said that if i wanted it done she could get it done. But I knew in my heart that I couldn’t. So, I decided to tell my parents a week after the day I found out. My aunt and Jayme would come with me. The week went by so fast, everyday it felt like a heavier weight was placed on my shoulders. I cried myself to sleep most nights. Telling them was pretty much a blur, I remember my aunt, Jayme and I walking in. They were sitting down to dinner happy and cheery as always. Little did they know that their “perfect” little girl wasn’t so perfect. We announced we had to tell them something, and I couldn’t get it out of my mouth. My aunt finally blurted it out, after them sitting in confusion for a few minutes they started to be launched back into reality. There reaction was terrible, my mom was in shock and my dad was basically just pissed. My dad asked me who the father was, I told him he stood up grabbed his keys and walked out of the house. My mom went upstairs and cried. We covered the plates with foil, and set them on the stove. The nice dinner they had planned was ruined. I felt absolutely terrible. About fifteen minutes later while we were cleaning the kitchen, my mom came back down with a puffy red face and nose. She sat at the table and uncovered her plate silently. We finished cleaning the kitchen, and my mom left the room. When she was out of Jayme and my Aunt’s eye line, she looked at me and waved me onto the porch. I took a deep breath and walked out to join her.

The air outside was really humid, and the sky was a dim green color. The sun was setting for the night. It was hard for me to breathe. The feel of my mom’s confused and disappointing stare made me feel like I was sitting naked on stage with a million eyes on me. Up until now she thought I was her little, virgin, church girl. The silence lingered for at least five minutes. We were both looking off the porch around the neighborhood. Listening to the sound of the cars driving by, and watching the lightening bugs flicker around the yard. The conversation we had was really eye opening. I feel like in that twenty minutes I got to closer to my mom then I ever have been. It was the first time in months that we actually sat down and talked. I had been avoiding conversations with my whole family. While, my mom and I were still talking my dad pulled up in his truck. It was harder for him to talk to me. Both of them were heart broken, my mom hugged me tightly and told me she loved me no matter what I did. I could barely see out of my eyes, I am pretty sure they were swollen almost completely shut from all of the crying. I made my way up to the attic, where Jayme and my Aunt were waiting for me. I just sat down on the bed. I couldn’t cry anymore.

I told them about the conversation. We sat and talked about other things less hearted, what happened this summer, eating ice cream ect. Then my dad called me down, he was the one who hadn’t really said much yet. I went down by myself, and my dad was sitting in the kitchen chair with puffy eyes. He looked at me and told me how he loved me so much, and he hugged me for like five minutes. Both of us were sobbing. I have never seen my dad cry that much in my life. I didn’t think that I had any more water in my body to cry. Apparently I did.

Over the next two weeks the initial shock wore off. It started getting back to normal. But the question of what I was going to do still hung above our heads. My mom and dad both preferred adoption. I preferred to keep it. But we all knew abortion was out of the question. I agreed to go to adoption counseling. So I could make an educated decision. My mom knew I was going to make the decision on my own. My dad wanted to make the decision for me. That option didn’t work. I went to adoption counseling for the next four of five months. My counselor was very nice, she was mostly there to listen to me talk about the situation, and bring me into reality on how hard it was actually going to be. She asked me questions like, How will you be able to balance school, job, and time with friends now having a baby? All of these questions did bring it into perspective for me. Over the few months that I did go to counseling I was really stressed out, but I tried not to be. My mind was constantly struggling to make a decision, when really I didn’t know what to do. Everyone kept telling me my child would have a better life if I gave him up to a man and woman who couldn’t have children since I am a teenager, and don’t have the means to take care of him on my own. I researched a bunch of stories about how mothers have given their children up, to get their perspective. How they felt afterwards, and leading up to it. All of the women had depression after along with post-pardum coming home with all of the body changes and no baby. Thoughts were running through my mind like crazy like; What if my child comes to find me later in life and hates me? What if I can’t ever have any other children? What if I never have any contact with my child that I give up? What if I am still depressed after all of it? All of these thoughts and worries helped me make my decision to keep him. Once I made the decision, it still felt like there was a five-hundred pound weight still upon my shoulders. I didn’t tell my mom till a few more weeks later. When I did tell her, she still pushed me towards adoption. She brushed off my feelings, she was thinking about how life was going to change for her baby. I was thinking about mine, I figured what is best for me, will be what is best for him. And if that meant keeping him and making my way through college with him then so be it. I knew it is going to be a struggle, and I still know it. But that is the decision I have made, to keep him.

I am seven and a half months pregnant now, and I feel him move all the time. It really is strange to think that there is a real person inside me. I know my life is going to drastically change in about six weeks. When I finally get to meet my son. My mom is really excited now, and we have been getting prepared. My dad is still angry with the boy Jay, and wants me to still put the baby up for adoption. Jay is helping me out more now and wants to buy him a crib. Every thing is coming together for him. Sooner or later he will be here, and everything is going to change. It doesn’t matter to me whether my life is going to be a struggle, I plan on making the best of it, for both of us.

Like I said in the beginning, decisions shape our lives and who we become. My decisions have done that for me. A great summer led to a lifetime of responsibility. I could have put him up for adoption, and continued on with my life. But after I found out even my dreams for my own life have changed. They are still the same dreams, just turned a little, taken on from a different perspective. Now I have two people to think about instead of one. My son and I are are going to be fine.

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