Miss Independent

March 1, 2010
By Amanda_Reckonwith SILVER, Kenosha, Wisconsin
Amanda_Reckonwith SILVER, Kenosha, Wisconsin
5 articles 10 photos 21 comments

Favorite Quote:
Women and cats will do as they please, and men and dogs should relax and get used to the idea.
—Anon

A Freudian slip is when you say one thing but mean your mother.
-Anon


The computer screen started to fade in and out of focus. The clattering of keys stopped momentarily, and the empty air was filled with the short sounds of creaking springs of an old mattress shifting beneath a person’s weight. Finally, a sigh escaped the person, and she rubbed her eyes beneath her glasses.

“This is taking way too long,” she muttered. Her music player changed tracks, and she hurriedly turned down the volume on her monitor so she wouldn’t rouse her parents.

It was 12:48 in the morning, way passed her normal bed-time. Normally, she would be in bed with the lights out by 9:30, but tonight was another night that she felt compelled to make something. It wasn’t anything big, but it was something that she had to get down before she forgot.

That was the bad thing about getting old; you begin to lose your memory.

Better than your mind.

“But your memory is part of your mind, so I’m technically loosing my mind,” she giggled shortly, but her facial muscles betrayed her fear and trembled into a frown. Her hands pushed her glasses off her nose, palms pushed into her eyes-preventing any tears from leaking out.

The grey cat on the end of her bed stretched and rolled in his sleep, emitting a tiny snore of content before settling with his legs sprawled out around him and his tail parallel to his body. She sniffled and wiped her eyes with the back of her hand, brushing her dark hair from her face as she leaned to stroke his soft fur. “You’re so lucky,” she whispered. “You don’t need to remember things like people’s names, dates, assignments or how to count. You can just let someone take care of you; you’re allowed to be dependent.” Her frown deepened. “I’m not.” He nuzzled into her hand unconsciously, but it was comforting to know that he acknowledged her presence and welcomed it.

“I don’t want to end up like Grandma. I don’t want to have to depend on someone to feed me and bathe me or get me dressed. I just want to be left alone, but that’s not right for some people. They’ve just got to pry!” A single hot tear ran down her face, dripping off her chin to her thin pyjama top. “But I’ll show them. I’ll be on my own until I die. I’ll prove that I can overcome years of poor genetics and worse luck.” She spun to face her computer, planting her feet on the cold hardwood floor and pulling the keyboard onto her lap.

“I’ll show them Miss Independent.”

The author's comments:
I'm screwed no matter what. I have lupus, diabetes, Alzheimer's...all the delights of getting old...on both sides of my family. I've already begun to feel carpal tunnel and have a very poor short-term memory.

It'd be nice to beat it all, though.

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This article has 5 comments.


on Mar. 25 2010 at 5:01 pm
Amanda_Reckonwith SILVER, Kenosha, Wisconsin
5 articles 10 photos 21 comments

Favorite Quote:
Women and cats will do as they please, and men and dogs should relax and get used to the idea.
—Anon

A Freudian slip is when you say one thing but mean your mother.
-Anon

I think I got it, now, and that does make sense.

I'll have to play around a bit to fix it; I don't know how else to express that sentiment. I literally say that quotation quite often.

on Mar. 25 2010 at 3:56 pm
NeverCaredForKool-Aid GOLD, Elkridge, Maryland
13 articles 0 photos 531 comments

Favorite Quote:
I don't believe in hell but I believe in my parent's couch-- Watsky

what i meant by the line was it sort of stops the flow of your story. Before that line, all the words meld well together and have great fluency- they take the reader into the story. But one you get to that line it sort of takes the reader back out of the story because it seems like the sentence wasn't meant to be there.

That's still probably a little confusing but it's the best I can explain it.

on Mar. 25 2010 at 3:52 pm
NeverCaredForKool-Aid GOLD, Elkridge, Maryland
13 articles 0 photos 531 comments

Favorite Quote:
I don't believe in hell but I believe in my parent's couch-- Watsky

Oh, yeah, that was a bit unclear.

What I meant was it sort of messed with the flow of your piece. It's very smooth and has the effect of pulling the reader into the words, but one you get to that "that was the bad thing about..." line, it

on Mar. 25 2010 at 3:47 pm
Amanda_Reckonwith SILVER, Kenosha, Wisconsin
5 articles 10 photos 21 comments

Favorite Quote:
Women and cats will do as they please, and men and dogs should relax and get used to the idea.
—Anon

A Freudian slip is when you say one thing but mean your mother.
-Anon

Thanks for reading through this.

I'm afraid I don't quite get what you mean by that last comment, though, about one of the lines being choppy and uncalled for. I just-I don't get your intention.

=^..^=~

on Mar. 25 2010 at 8:21 am
NeverCaredForKool-Aid GOLD, Elkridge, Maryland
13 articles 0 photos 531 comments

Favorite Quote:
I don't believe in hell but I believe in my parent's couch-- Watsky

OK, so I think there were little-no grammar mistakes is this, if there were any, I missed them. Great story line, great drive, great final line.

I love how you divide her into parts, in stead of her crying, "her facial muscles betrayed her" and "Her hands pushed her glasses off her nose" instead of taking off her glasses.

The one thing I think you must work on is some sentence structure and fluency. Most of the time your setences flow pretty well, but every now and again there's a break. "That was the bad thing about getting old; you begin to lose your memory." I know you were going for dramatic, sudden, and sad, but to a fresh eye it came out a little choppy and uncalled for.

Keep it up, this is pretty good.


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