Laughless This work is considered exceptional by our editorial staff.

February 26, 2010
We all get depressed sooner or later. Usually for only a week or so, hopefully not for longer. Most people get help.

I haven’t gotten help yet. Maybe because my situation is different. I don’t have a regular depression. I am undergoing the depression of an optimist.

I am the class weirdo. Actually, make that the school weirdo. I am interested in strange things, like certain colors and certain mechanisms. I also laugh. A LOT. And I have an…um…irregular laugh. Most people think I’m weird because I’m really different, but I could care less. That is, until it happened.

It struck like a tidal wave. One second I’m happy and fine, laughing at random things, and the next second…BAM. I am suddenly depressed. I knew it was coming, since I was completely aware of my current levels of stress. I am, if you haven’t already guessed, an optimist. It might be because I’m laughing half the time I’m talking, but I’m pretty happy, and being this happy, I’m more than willing to join every stinking activity at school. I don’t MIND it, but sometimes, it just grows to be too much.

Today was one of those days.

I had been depressed before, but not like this. I just stared at times when I would normally be laughing my pants off, and ignored anyone trying to make social contact. I still worked and went to classes normally, but everything besides my very basic schedule was ignored, including lunch conversation with friends. Well, former friends. Along with the multiple activities, friends were also causing stress. I wasn’t changing, they were. My best friend went from a fun-loving fantasy weirdo like me to a slightly-emo Twilight chick like my worst enemy. Don’t ask me how it happened. All my other friends are maturing, too. Just not me. I guess somewhere in 5th grade, my brain just decided to stay in elementary school. I’m still school-smart. Just not social-smart. Just ask any of my “friends”.

I’m pretty happy in the morning. I get up feeling energized. But my annoy-o-meter has been very accurate thanks to depression, so every time something goes wrong (aka, every few minutes) my mood gets a little worse.

So sometime in the afternoon, it gets to be too much, and the tidal wave comes back. My interest for laughter is replaced with constant staring. Half my mind is enjoying the darkness, the independence, the lonesomeness. Half my mind screams, “Get me outta here!!!”

People would ask what’s wrong. Most people know of my strange personality, and my cold, laugh-less stares were enough for them to fill with shock. They would ask me what’s wrong, and the dominant part of my mind would just stare. The other part would scream through my eyes, “Get me out!!! Help me!!! Right here!!!! Me!!!!”

But it didn’t work.

It still hasn’t.

And I don’t think it will.

Join the Discussion

This article has 15 comments. Post your own now!

bookmouse said...
Jul. 27, 2013 at 5:35 pm
If it makes you feel any better a lot of people have a bad fifth grade experience. My middle/elementary school should have been infamous for it! I can think of at least four people ( just off the top of my head! I'm counting myself as one.) who had bad fifth grade ecperiences. For some of them their friends turned against them, they had problems connected to bullying or bullying began then. I hope that your situation is better now! (Mine is...mostly...)
readaholic This work has been published in the Teen Ink monthly print magazine. replied...
Jul. 27, 2013 at 9:39 pm
Yeah, it's all good now.  Honestly, I'm kind of embarrased to go back and read this stuff, because it feels like I wasn't even the person who wrote it :S.   Thank you!
Luna1 said...
Mar. 24, 2011 at 11:45 pm
I found out we have A LOT in common. That used to happen to me in fifth grade, and it still happens now. All except I laugh at random times at nothing at all. And sometimes I feel depressed at the most odd times too, but at least there was some part of you begging to get out. I didn't even try. I really find it odd that we have so much in common.
readaholic This work has been published in the Teen Ink monthly print magazine. replied...
Mar. 27, 2011 at 5:56 pm
Yeah, its weird, everything you just said i something I would say..Tell me, do you have any siblings?  brothers or sisters or both????
Luna1 replied...
Mar. 30, 2011 at 8:39 pm
Yes actually!!! sisters. One cute one and the other one well..... well the other sister.
readaholic This work has been published in the Teen Ink monthly print magazine. replied...
Mar. 31, 2011 at 3:11 pm
I have two brothers and one sister.  The brothers are, of course, annoying and crude.  Let me guess, your "other sister" is just as annoying as mine?
Luna1 replied...
Mar. 31, 2011 at 10:20 pm
No. She abuses me. Waaaaaa waaa!!!! Xp But even then, were still close. Let me guess, it's the same thing with you and your bro?
readaholic This work has been published in the Teen Ink monthly print magazine. replied...
Apr. 1, 2011 at 9:11 am
well all my siblings are younger, but one of them acts like he's older.  i'm not being controlling, but when mom and dad leave me in charge, i have NO POWER and i can't do anything about it...
Luna1 replied...
Apr. 3, 2011 at 7:10 pm
Does he really act like that? I wouldn't. who wants to be an old person?
readaholic This work has been published in the Teen Ink monthly print magazine. replied...
Jun. 4, 2011 at 10:10 am
Midnightflower said...
Jan. 5, 2011 at 2:34 pm
Have you ever tried just talking to someone about it? Not letting the cold-stare part of your brain dominate? I bet all of your friends would want to help.
readaholic This work has been published in the Teen Ink monthly print magazine. replied...
Jan. 5, 2011 at 6:36 pm
Thanks for your concern...I did talk a little bit, and I feel a lot better now...I wrote this a while ago so now I'm a lot better :)
Day-Dreamer17 said...
Sept. 16, 2010 at 6:02 pm
Sometimes, even the most perfect smiling face is hiding unimaginable agony just beneath the surface. I feel your pain.
readaholic replied...
Sept. 16, 2010 at 6:28 pm
Thanks-this was the only way I could vent my feelings because no one really seemed to understand...but you do :)
Day-Dreamer17 replied...
Sept. 16, 2010 at 6:45 pm
Yeah, you'd be surprised what people miss...
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