Lost Without A Friend

February 25, 2010
By , Thornton, CO
Pfff. The smoke slips through a slight crack in my mouth, and I feel a rush of adrenaline slide from my toes and melt inside my brain. My whole life was changed forever. I wrecked, ruined, and destroyed it all in one moment. There’s no way I can take it back, and there’s no way to enjoy it anymore. Weed, drugs, and alcohol have taken over my life.

I made this huge mistake in the summer of 2008. It was fun and exciting at first, but then my life started to go downhill. When school started, my grades didn’t matter. I no longer cared for my family, and I lost all of my good friends. They all tried to tell me to stop, but I couldn’t break any of the addictions that grew stronger day by day, and I didn’t feel the need to. My life is a blur that passes and crumbles to pieces like a tornado just struck. Nothing else but weed and alcohol mattered to me.

The school year kept moving on. It was about a fourth of the way through when I thought about dropping out. I found myself struggling more to make it around the obstacles in life. I was in quicksand, and no one was standing around to hear me screaming and pull me out. Finally, one of my old friends wandered by and heard my faint cry. I felt it easy to talk to her, and she managed to help a little.

My friend talked me out of dropping out, and she tried to explain how to make it over my problems. “You can do it. I believe in you,” she told me. It gave me a boost of confidence, but not enough. Soon, I let her slip back through my fingers, which was another big mistake later on. My life continued traveling down the racetrack like a car with no brakes.

I cried every night from all of the pain I was feeling, I began spending less time at home and school, and more time with my “friends” getting high. I realized that those “friends” weren’t even close to the friends that I used to have. My new ones don’t care about me, and don’t even know the real me. No one knows me anymore.

As time moves on, I grow to hate myself. I cannot fix anything or any of the mistakes I have made. Everyone starts to tell me that I am a worthless person and that I am the one at fault. “You’re the only one who can fix what you have done,” they would say, “but you are too lazy and stupid. You can’t do it.” All I could do was keep my head up and pray for myself.

As soon as the second quarter of school was about to end, I gave up, and I began creating plans to improve my future the easy way. I didn’t want to live, or face any of the problems I made myself. I needed to find a way to get me out of everything. When I told my old friends about my ideas and plans, they laughed at me and told me they would never work. “Just give up. You’re never going to make it now, and, besides, you’ve destroyed your whole life.” I lost everyone who once supported me.

Soon, I realized that my family permanently gave up on me. They no longer cared like they used to, but I guess I deserved it. I needed to find someone fast to give me advice and I knew the perfect person I could go to, but then I remembered something very important. She was the girl who I let slip out of my fingers at the beginning of the quarter.

How could I start talking to her again? I know she won’t like the fact that I talk to her only to help me out, but I have to try. I try calling her. The ringing sound in my ear is like waiting for a bomb to explode. After each ring, I grow more and more nervous. “Hello?” I feel relief swoosh through my body just from the sound of her voice. “Uh hi,” I managed to force out. “Um, hey. How are you?” she replies. My brain searches through filing cabinets of words to describe how I feel. “I’m horrible. How are you?” “What’s wrong?” When she asked, I had no idea how to start explaining.

“I give up on life, I’m going to run away and get a fresh start. That’s the only solution I can think of,” I began. “That’s the only thing you’ve thought of? Listen, I can’t make your decisions for you, but I can give you advice,” she said. I needed to hear her thoughts. She was the only one who could save me. “I don’t think running away is a solution, or a great idea. Try changing your life in a drastically good way. Make it your main focus and goal. I promise that it will work with enough dedication,” she finished. “What happens when you wish you were never born, or stopped living?”

The words that just came out of my mouth must have bothered her a lot, because she became awkwardly silent for a long period of time. Then, I heard her sniff, and it sounded like she was crying. I waited for her to respond so I could tell for sure. “Don’t say that,” she calmly stated. Yes, she was crying, and I could tell by the crackle in her voice.

I couldn’t upset the only person who still cares about me, because I didn’t want to lose her again. What could I do now? “I’m sorry,” I told her. “I completely ruined my life.” “Don’t apologize to me. Apologize to yourself. I think you need it.”

After thinking about it, I realized she was right. I need to apologize to myself before I apologize to anyone else, but how? “Is there a way to apologize to myself?” I asked the girl, the one person who knows me best. “That is not for me to tell you. You have to find it out yourself.” This made me think long and hard.

It took me a few weeks before the idea popped into my head. I was going to focus on me. I was going to aim all of my attention towards school, stop smoking and drinking, and only look at good things in life. Then, I would apologize to my family and friends, and prove to them that I am working hard. All of a sudden, I hear, “Melissa, what’s wrong? Melissa, wake up!” I come up out of the darkness and force my eyes open.

I look up to see my little sister starring at the tears streaming down my cheeks, and I notice she looks confused. “I think you were having a bad dream.” It couldn’t be a dream! It seemed so real and familiar, and soon after I realized it was, but instead of me being the one with the drinking and smoking problem, it was one of my close friends. I was in my dream placed in the footsteps of a friend. I was able to see how his life was. Then, I realized that I was one of the characters too. In reality, I was the friend who always came back to help.

After thinking about the dream I had, I realized it could help me and my friend out a lot. Now that I have seen my friend’s life and feelings, I can relate to his problems. It will be easier to help him and know where he’s coming from. Also, I know how my life could turn out if I started doing drugs. It taught me that drugs and alcohol can truly ruin your future, and that no one should take the chances of becoming addicted. My life could be destroyed just like my friend’s was, and I, too, would be lost.

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