Once again the disappointment sinks deep beneath my skin, and I can't think of anything at that moment but how you've disappointed me most in life. You get my hopes up and than they all come crashing down weeks later. We hardly talk anymore, and I agreed that I could do that. I didn't agree with it because I knew it would help us, I agreed with it because it was what made you happy. I haven't been happy since the night in September that you broke up with me. I've been trying and trying to figure out how to put the pieces back together and move on, but it's all easier said than done. Some days I find myself walking around, and I end up back at that place. The place where the world as I knew it turned upside down and inside out and ended. The place where everything that I had was lost. Everything that I knew was gone. Everything that I was, was dead. And most of the time, I just wanted to stay in that place, because you exsist there. Because in the real world, you're gone, you've been gone, and I cannot bring you back. I've begged and pleaded, but nothing works. You've made up your mind, you've moved on, and most of all, you've changed. And I would like to say you've changed into something better, but you haven't. You aren't the man I fell in love with in 2006, and I fear that you never will be again. What I'd give, what I'd do, anything to get me back to you. I know I might have told you endless times that I was okay and I'm gonna be okay, but we both know that's not the truth. There's a lot more than meets the eye, right? I used to be able to turn to you, go to you whenever I needed help. And I went to you a few days ago, and what did I get? Rejection and a broken heart. You told me you had started to fall in love with me again, but you couldn't let yourself do that again. Now I'm back to the place where you exsist. And I stand where you stood on that bridge, I look where you looked, I felt what you felt. I try to see life from where you stand, but it's nothing but a blur. Do you remember that day? The day you took me to Medard Park, just us two, walking on that bridge. I walked infront of you, it was so peaceful and quiet and I felt at peace for the first time in a while. And all of a sudden I heard your footsteps coming closer to me, and faster than normal, and than in the blink of an eye, you wrapped your strong arms around my whole body. And we just walked down the bridge for a little, only to be stopped by the park ranger, saying the park would be closing soon. That day we were laughing, and today I'm left here asking if you're gonna say goodbye for good, or if you're gonna come back to me with arms wide open. You may not know it, but I go to that park more often than I should. I go there to think, to reminisce about our past. I'm on the verge of giving up hope on us, but I know the moment I do, I'll regret it, so I will not. That memory will never be gone. That piece of my heart, irreplaceable. I'd do anything to have you back in my life, to fill that gap in my soul. There is a possiblity that you will come back, and I'm holding onto that. Because holding onto every piece of hope, is all I have left. That and the memories that forever mold my life.
Holding onto hope.
February 22, 2010