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Confessions of a Broken Heart

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"I love you." That's what you told me. Foolish me, I let my heart believe it was true, "I love you too." I opened my heart to you...wanted you to be in my life...wanted you to make my reality better than the dreams that swirl around my head as I sleep every night. "I will always be here for you, no matter what." You made me believe in you...but then you went and changed. You became quiet,...sad...so I followed suit. I distanced myself from the world...and you. "I love you too." It became like a poison, the more I said it, the worse I felt. The unexpected noises and giggles my friends all loved,...seemed to disappear. Quiet, reserved, even sad? Always. I was never truely happy after you changed. You wanted me to talk to you, tell you what was wrong...but I was nervous...afraid. You were so mad all the time. I kept thinking, "Is it my fault?...something I said...something I did...can I fix it?...should I appologize?...I'm sorry babe." Babe. That's what you called me...don't you remember? "Hey babe." "What are you up to babe?" Babe. I couldn't stand it...I have a name. I'm not just another babe. But I felt wanted...and I didn't want to upset you...so I kept it to myself and let you. "I love you." The reason I existed...you saved me in a way...my scar, the one you hate...on my wrist...you talked to me that night, just because you felt like it...no one ever told you that you had to. It was then that I realized it wasn't worth it...that it would hurt you if I ended my life. I realized that you...you would cry for me. And I couldn't stand the thought of making you cry. You saved me, you're the reason I'm still here...just thought you'd like to know. You. And only you.
Please forgive me...I want to say more about this, but I just can't...too many painful memories...I'm sorry.


I can't wait to see you. You may not speak to me, like you used to, or come up behind me and wrap me in a warm hug...but just seeing you in the hallways makes me remember the soft and playful kisses...and the way you held my hand and walked me to class everyday...please...please don't go...I'm on my knees...and begging you to stay...I don't want to have to go through my days without seeing you there...we may not be together like we used to...and you may not want to hear my pleas....and I can't blame you...not even for a moment...but babe, I love you. And I miss you more than the sun misses the moon...and the desert misses the soft caress of the rain on a hot summer's night...Je t'aime...I don't know what to do...to speak to you without fear of scorn would be wonderful...but that will not happen...I will always fear your hatred...always shy away from opening my heart to you again...for fear of being hurt...I am afraid to take a risk, and talk to you in person...so here I am, writing everything down on a sheet of lined paper...all of the things I wish I had told you so much sooner...and the things that no body else should ever know...I have no doubt that you will not have liked reading this...you may be sad...hurt...upset...or maybe even angry. I don't suppose I will ever know. I love you, and I think I always will. I don't want to, nor will I, ever forget you. The thought of you makes me smile like a fool without reason, and cry without warning...and it's a feeling that I crave...wether happy or sad,...it reminds me that you cared. You may not show it anymore...but I know you still do...


When you told me of your dreams, I did not mention mine. They are daydreams, whenever I see you, I go back to when it was just you and me...happy...angry...sad...whatever...just us. And I want it so badly, that I have to force myself to keep it together...not to break down in the hallway...not to let you see how messed up I have become...the sadness...loneliness...and the anger...all the time. I put on a mask..everymorning...and I hang it on my bedpost at night when I lie down to sleep...I let myself cry there, after the mask is gone...where no one can see...see my weakness. I am alone. No one will ever know. I will not give them the satisfaction of knowing that I am weak. They see who I want them to see. But you...you could tell..you said more than once that I looked happy...but my eyes told a completely different story. I know how it feels to cry myself to sleep, for days on end. And know one ever knows. No one besides you now. It's my weakness...the saltly little drops of water that run down my face...


You may not want to talk to me again...you may want to tear these sheet of my heart up and throw them away...but please,...I am begging you...If you feel anything other than hate and regret...please talk to me...wether it be a text...a note...or a simple "hi" as you pass me in the hall...I don't care when, or how,...but please...just don't disappear into my past...if you hate me, or just don't want to talk to me,...I'm sorry...I wish I had the chance to change everything...you were an amazing friend,...and I don't want to loose that...

Always and Forever,
Sara-Lynn



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trestonsgirl said...
Mar. 10, 2010 at 4:39 pm:
wow very very good and heartfelt!!!!! i hope everything worked or works out betweem you and this guy!!!!!!! good luck and God Bless You.
 
Sara-Lynn replied...
Mar. 11, 2010 at 7:59 am :
thanks love :)
 
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