Sam, i just want to tell you

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Dear Sam,

Who are you? What are your dreams, your fears? Why do you think to yourself, the things you wish you could say to others' faces? Or maybe it's just my face, maybe you don't want to hurt my feelings? Yet have you not only down that, but you have CRIPPPLED them. Maybe you just couldn't find the words. "Do other know about us?"..i know now, Sam that they do. You shouldn't have led me on, you should of stopped me in my tracts. Yet, maybe you didn't want to. Perhaps this serious situation, all the nightmares, the tears..the switch of schools, was all jsut part of your sick little mind game with me, just a set up to you? Did you KNOW that oyu could get me to be your puppet, all you had to do is pull a few strings and id move whatever way you wanted me to? Is THAT what you wanted, Mr. Brown? If it isn't, why didn't you ever SAY anything? Ill tell you why, you weren't thinking of me. My life, my feelings, what I have to live with. I am positive you were just thinking of yourself, focused on getting whatever SAM wants.Its that easy for you, isn't it? Yet maybe I was completely wrong, and you did care, what am I supossed to think? I have nothing to go off of but actions, since NO words were spoken and even if you DID speak, it was VERY little. Did you trick me? Was I fooled? I have to say, yes i was. A newly 16 year old girl, so young, putting everything she had in a 19 year old boy who only wanted one thing, and got it.
You told me about the other girl, Sarah was her name, a beautiful girl. She was your first love, true love, only love. So why did you give me the impression that there was room for me? So, she moved, I know for a fact she came back, because I saw you two out together, you bought her dinner. Didn't even hesistate when I texted you right then, you just slit my hearts open and let it bleed, and left yourself to finish eating. I wish that Rogelio would have came back, he was MY everything, but not all of us can be that lucky, to get everything they want and more. Eventually I got over Rogelio, used to the idea of living without him. You got lucky Sarah came back. Honestly if I got involved with you around the time Rogelio left and he came back, id porbably do the exact same thing you did, expept, I wouldn't have led you on, and i SURE THE HELL wouldn't have taken your virginity and after the fact ignored you. Im jsut not that kinda person. Im also not as dumb as you think I am. I knew exactly what you were doing, but I didn't say anything because I was so desparate to be a part of your life, willing to take anything you would offer.
How do you do it Sam? Look Sarah in her beautiful brown eyes and tell her you love her, when you know what you did with me just days before. Three years of trust she has for you, i could ruin it all in a second, but thats not my job..thats yours. I realize that i AM your dirty little secret, your mistake. Yet you were bragging to DaQuan about me, and guess who found out about us? Marvin, and the rest of the NP basketball team, seniors and all, and I am just a freshmen. Marvin told me his HEART dropped when he heard. Yeah me and him were broken up, but he means more to me than I can even put into words, I love him. We may not be dating, but he still to this day remains one of the most important people in my life, thanks for ruining him. Not only did you do that, but you ruined me. Taken away my ability to act as a civilized human being in ANY form of relationship. I feel like with a guy, they are just going to "Sam" me. Yeah, your anticts have earned you your own verb. Congrats. Damian, one the the best guys in the world pointed all this out to me. Saying I wasn't mentally stable for a relationship and needed to get my life on tract before I am in any relationship. He said this exactly "Cara, im trying to fix a part of you that has been broken and you won't let me, you have let Sam consume your entire life, its never just me and you, its me you and him." Yeah, thats woke me up. I am always seeking out the secret motived of everyone, that I may move to fast, or freak out over anything, because of you. I am unable to be happy. Sam...i FREAKED OUT. I got over you, and you wouldn't leave me alone, made me think you actually cared this time, and you didn't I feel for it ALL OVER AGAIN, and i freaked I snapped, and I left that school. Now I am totally unhappy at this school. You didnt talk to me at all. Not even an IM SORRY. Instead when I left, you tried to screw my slutty 14 [just turned 14] year old COUSIN, who screwed Jonathan the day we all skipped. You say IM too young for you, she is WAY too young! Sam what is WRONG with you! I didn't even get an im sorry, you didn't even know, until now how you effected me. I didn't even get one im sorry, and these nightmares, Sam..you just WON'T leave me alone, even if you don't talk to me, subconciously you just WILL NOT leave me alone, im haunted by you. To everyone reading this, this might come as a real shocker to you all, Sam and I never dated!. Sam, I will be at your gradutation, because my brother will be graduating with you, I am not prepared to see your face, even though I have plenty of time. I won't be, so when you see me, ill make ee contact..look back. Maybe you can see the girl you ruined, you broke you crippled, and that will be the last time you EVER see me, I want you to see what you have done, what cannot be fixed, what can't be undone..what you can't even give back to me. Look me in my eyes, and face me.





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