I've never felt so complete and at home in someones arms like I did in his. As we laid there in the dark, my ears pressed up against his chest, I could feel his heart beat. And in that moment of hearing it, I suddenly realized his beat at the same pace as mine had. I sat there, smiled and thought to myself how happy I was and how I had never felt so complete and at peace in someones arms. I realized than that I was still so in love with him. Possibly more in love with him than I ever thought I would be. And I felt my heart skip a beat, and I started to breathe heavily, scared of what would come next. And as I got the courage to ask him "We haven't been talking much, so what made you want to hang out again?" And I heard his heart skip a beat just as I had felt mine aswell, I knew in that moment that he was still so in love with me as I was with him. And he took a long pause and a deep breath, and told me very softly "Because I've missed you so much, I've been thinking about you everyday and I've been having dreams of you." And while I listened to him carefully, I shed a tear down my eyes, and I felt a smile upon my face, and I got a sudden rush of hope run through my mind. And as he waited for me to reply, I couldn't find the words to explain how I was feeling. All I could do was question his thoughts, his dreams, and his reasoning for what he had done. I had been so upset with him for months about his decision for leaving me completely, but in that moment, I knew I could forgive him, forgive everything. In this moment of our talking, all three years of our relationship had played through my head, that had added to the smile upon my face. All I wanted to do at that point in time was look up at him, grab his chin, and kiss him so softly. But he had beat me to it; he had grabbed my head, lifted it up, looked at me for a brief second, and gave me the sweetest kiss I could have ever asked for. I know he could feel the heart wrenching pain in my hear, but I didn't mind, he needed to see how I felt. All I wanted to do was sit there and cry and tell him how he has been making me feel, but most of all, I just wanted to tell him I loved him still. Maybe he would have told me "Everything will be okay. I love you." But I'll never know, because I wouldn't let myself get that vulnerable ever again. I would never let myself show him how much pain I had been in, he's too great a man for me to put that burden on him. He had sat there and tried to explain to me how he felt and it had a lot of letters from the alphabet that piece together a message about why he did this. But I didn'’t care about that part, I cared about the part that came across as “I love you so much still." And I know in the end, whether we be together or not, that one of us will be happy. And if we don't end up being together, I pray that he be the one that gets the happiness, because he honestly deserves it. He's lead a great life and will have it ever better as he gets older. He's got hopes and dreams of joining the army, and I support him with that, even if it means that he isn't going to be safe 24/7. Every single thought that I have written all happened within less than five minutes of our lives. I could never imagine to have anymore five minutes that mean so much to me with someone else. So as I lay there on his chest, feeling it rise and fall, hearing him breathe, and listening to his heart beat the same pace as mine, I cannot think of anything else but this; This is where we're supposed to be, I promise you that.
This is how we're supposed to be, I promise that.
February 17, 2010