friendship and heartache

February 9, 2010
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My friends would often beg of me- “tell him already. . . For god’s sake.”

It was a classic story really, being in love with your best friend. Okay honestly love may be to strong a word, but it was definitely something more than I wanted to feel. I would often practice in the shower or while driving what exactly I would say and how I would say it. I even pictured how he would respond (often in a positive way—wishfully thinking). Everything seemed so perfect in my head but every time I would be with him, it was never a good time. Because the only thing worse than longing to be with someone who called your best friend, is to tell that best friend how it is, you feel. To gather that courage and risk a friendship you adore. As soon as the words leave your mouth, you reach the point of no return. You exit a comfort zone, a safe haven where you can be with that person you seek, just not in the way you wish it to be. Sometimes in life though, things simply are not meant to be the way you want them. That is why life is hard, because it never ever cooperates.

I would always find myself attempting to find excuses to fight with him, because for some odd reason I thought it would be better if he hated me. If he simply was mean, or did not want the friendship I would move on and forget the stupid idea of ever telling him anything. I would even ask, quite often, if he was angry with me, until it actually annoyed him. I wanted to push him far away. I did not want his gentle smile and kind words. All I wanted was for it to be easy one day, to wake up and not feel a knot in my stomach and a nervous shake of my hands, to smile and actually mean it. But this never occurred, because each day became harder than the previous. All his imperfections made him the amazing person he is and all his words of encouragement enticed me to become closer to him. People often think when someone thinks, “they care for someone” that they just want to kiss them. All I sought in this boy was to become closer, to be someone that was more apart of him than anyone else I knew. I lost interest in friends and family because my time was geared towards becoming his best friend. All I wanted was to be there, always. But sometimes it is easier to never be there, than partially stand in the shadows with aspiration. An Aspiration that he will notice and give me a chance to be more that a friend. But while holding my breath, I realized that there is no point in waiting. One must become the best of their ability and move on. Not the moving that forgets or leaves the friend behind. The moving that takes a piece with them and silently wishes they will change their mind. The slow paced walk that will always be ready to start over. Always subtly turning around for a glance. Just a peek, wishing, hoping, praying they will appear . . . one day.





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