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Love that we all seek. Distance that hath made me wait.
1. "I was right, I was right, I was right."
When gravity pulls two people toward each other, whether they hate one another from the beginning, or if it moves gradually building up to something substantial as the years pass, this is where true love speaks and defines itself.
One thing is for sure though, it doesn't happen over night. You grow to love someone. It takes days, months, and years, for the connection two people share to root itself into their souls, where it will be planted for eternity.
Then there comes the point where you just know, it's not a quiet realization though. The truth smacks you across the face, and then beats you down time in time again after you deny its existence, time and time again. As humans, we love denying fate. We love trying to find some way to contradict it, and prove it wrong. So that's why sometimes fate has to smack us around a bit, before we get the point.
Once you get the point though, that you're meant to be with that person forever and nothing you do or anyone else does can separate you two, you're constantly reminded of it. It's there by your side, poking you in the side, saying "I was right, I was right, I was right".
Anyways, this… bond, attachment, yearning, tie, adulation, devotion. Simply put, the connection between two people I’m talking about happened between myself and a boy. I would say now that he's a man, of course. But at the time we were two kids, young and naive enough to share everything about ourselves to each other, regardless of the consequence.
Not that it mattered much, the thing about me was, I had a much different view of the world and people than most my age. I just thought i thought about things more than most people did, causing deeper realizations and a different understanding of people and the world that surrounds us.
The thing about him was that no matter how bizarre or strange my ideas sounded to other people as I thought, he always understood. He could literally take my words, and shift them into a simpler form, then repeat them back to me.
It didn't matter about our differences in hobbies and some interests, though some of those proven the same as well. We were connected, linked by personality, understanding, and soul. We thought the same way, loved the same way, and grew to understand everything about each other.
As we grew, we went through several hard times together. Standing strong by one another through a divorce, moving, hurt and regret in the past. It brought us closer and closer, and then as inevitable and hurtful it was, we distanced as well. Our busy lives plus the obvious distance of a thousand miles made it difficult to communicate on a regular basis, and we grew apart. We never lost touch though; we have had ups and downs but always worked through them using the unique understanding we had for each other.
The love and the connection we share is very strong, but sometimes it was weakened and we could not stay together through the hardship of distance. We broke up a few times, and got back together a few times. There were also several times where he tried to step out of my life, and cut all communication off. It was a peculiar sensation always before this happened. I would get this feeling in my chest and in my abdomen, which left me very unsettled.
I felt jittery, and had this intuitive feeling that something bad was going to happen. Then something devastating happened, always after that feeling. I lost a part of myself. It's not that his words were hurtful, or rude. It's was the meaning of them that got my adrenaline running in the worst way. I shut down, and my mind folded inwards and led me into a bleak world I had never seen before.
Even though our gaps of communication didn't last long, the thought and belief that I would never hear his words, or the texture of his voice, or even know that he was alive... Shut me down. It did everything to me, it ripped open a wound in my chest. It burned me all over, and then the burns kept burning. They never healed, or scarred. They continued to sear my flesh, each wave of pain washing over me with the refusal of acceptance that he was really gone.
Then after the burning, I felt numb. This was always the worst, I had that constant anxious adrenaline filled wrong feeling in my chest, and in the pit of my stomach always. As much as I tried to block the thoughts of him from my head, I never succeeded. At the small moments that i did however, to my surprise, I didn't catch a glimpse of feelings beyond him. Even when I put effort forth to try and feel something, anything, I was left feeling lifeless and soulless. It's only happened three times, and I consider those the worst moments of my life.