Not friends but friendly people stop to ask me what's happened, what's wrong, what's changed. I have no answer that won't lead to more questions and so I avoid it. "Oh, nothing at all! I stayed up late working on an essay. I'll be sure to get more sleep tonight. Enough about me, how are you?!" How easily destracted people are ceases to amaze me. My sophomore year of highschool, I counseled a cabin of children at outdoor education. If any topic arose where discussion was prohibited I simply had to ask them what they liked on their pizza. "pineapples, olives, mushrooms, and feta." Not even a flash of suspicion toward the subject change. It's interesting how little people have changed since the sixth grade. Sure, I have to be a little more sly, but i'm still playing the same game. No one knows it but whenever I near a mirror these days, I avert my eyes out of disgust. Not afraid of who I'll see, but afraid of who I won't. My downfall of jealousy makes it hard to get places quickly. I wish we could know what's real, instead of only what we think and feel. My parents sit down and tell me they're worried. I want to let them spend their worry on someone more important, or atleast in more need of. I can't comprehend how a single evening can change things so much. I wonder if there's truth that I couldn't admit before in all those jokes from the past. Why should I feel so confused now? And when did people decide they have the right to shame a person for how they feel!? Feelings: 1. emotions unaffected by congnitive thought. 2. a weakness or strength (depending on how you look at it) that we should all accept the presence of a little more. This feels like an introversive conflict that I can't find the solution to all on my own, but have been made to be too afraid to solemnly ask anyone else on the matter. My whole life I've never had a doubt on this particular and sensitive subject known as my sexuality. But maybe that's only because I've always just done what's expected of me and since the question didn't come up until now, I'd never considered it, never had a reason to. Key words: until now. What'll I do? Pretend it never crossed my mind? Act on it to help clear the haze only to get caught in a web mae out of silvery but possibly fatal lies of omission? Be open about the yearning to know more? No, that's just not an option. This feeling... is just not an option.
February 17, 2010