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Two Write Love On Her Arms: A Miracle

Every couple of months, I come into school and gather with my friends in a blur or skin and colorful markers. People give us strange looks as they pass in the hallways, and teachers scold us for breaking dress code; But none of these things matter to us. What matters is what is right in front of us and what we’re about to do. So we write “Love” on our arms.
“To Write Love On Her Arms is a non-profit movement dedicated to presenting hope and finding help for people struggling with depression, addiction, self-injury and suicide. TWLOHA exists to encourage, inform, inspire and also to invest directly into treatment and recovery” as is stated on their website. This movement is one of the few that has truly touched my heart. Why? Because my whole life has been spent in a vicious battle against depression. Some days were easier than others, but they were never good. My parents thought my mood swings were just part of who I was and that what I was, was a mean, angry little girl. The reality was much different. My mood swings were a part of who I was, but not for the reason they thought. The truth behind it all was that I couldn’t control my emotions, not in the slightest.
When I was younger, I wasn’t as aware of my mood swings. I guess I just figured it was a part of growing up and that I would grow out of it eventually. Wrong. As I got older, I became more aware of them, but the word my mind processed wasn’t depression. It was bitch. When I looked in the mirror all I could see were my flaws: my hair was too poufy, my skin was too pale, my stomach was too big. When I was actually able to sleep at night, I had nightmares; Vicious nightmares that clung to me with their sharp teeth and stuck with me through the week. I was scared to go to sleep, but it was too exhausting to stay awake. Every morning was a struggle for me. From the minute I woke up I would be exhausted. Life just didn’t seem worth it anymore; it just seemed like a giant waste of time. That’s when things got bad.
The everyday struggles had become too much for me. School was too hard, I couldn’t ever seem to do anything right, it seemed as if my own mother didn’t want me around. But I didn’t have anyone that I could talk to; no one else knew what I was going through and I was afraid they would think something was wrong with me if I told them. So I bottled it up inside and locked it away deep in the back of my mind. I painted on a smile and laughed and joked my way through another meaningless day. I could have been an actress if I had wanted to; no one saw through my charade. Not. One. Single. Person.
When I got home I turned into a completely different person. My “good mood” disintegrated the second I stepped into my house. I didn’t have to pretend for these people, they’d already given up on me a long time ago. I drugged straight upstairs and locked myself in my room until morning. Sometimes I would just curl up and cry until I passed out, other times I took my hairbrush and beat myself until I was black and blue. And other times were even worse. I became best friends with the blade of my pocketknife; there were secrets between us that no one else knew. It was the one thing I could always rely on the relieve my stress and depression. You think of cutting and think “How painful,” but the truth is that it was nowhere near as painful as what I felt inside.
Eventually, my parents found out. I later found out that my neighbor’s daughter had been worried about me and asked her mother to talk to them. I blamed her for everything. I couldn’t believe she had done that to me. But now that I think back on it, I should’ve been thanking her. If it weren’t for her then I probably wouldn’t be here today, I wouldn’t know any of the things that I’ve learned over the past three years. She saved my life; because she cared.
So I get upset when people insult those who celebrate TWLOHA Day. Some people just need to be reminded that they’re loved, and that they shouldn’t give up. But then I remember that there are others out there that don’t understand what I’m feeling; what WE’RE feeling. And I forgive them. They find it pointless because they can’t relate to it, and I’m glad they can’t relate to it. People should be able to be happy, but for some it takes a lot more effort than for others.




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This article has 10 comments. Post your own!

MaxRide said...
Jan. 27, 2012 at 8:11 am:
I know exactly how you feel. It feels like in public you are acting out someone else's life, and you are just an actress. No one sees the real you. GO TWLOHA!
 
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purpleroar23 said...
Mar. 19, 2011 at 5:57 pm:
Thank you so much for sharing this. I have a friend who has struggled with that in the past, so it was really encouraging to read this. I just hope that one day she'll be able to share her story, too.
 
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aphilly said...
Nov. 20, 2010 at 9:50 pm:
I write LOVE on my arm in sharpie almost everyday.  I'm going to a TWLOHA presentation in a couple of days and I can't wait to write all about it.  you did an awesome job telling your story and I'm so glad that life is getting better for you
 
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Fantasyincolor said...
Mar. 10, 2010 at 4:56 pm:
TWLOHA is amazing, I am a huge supporter. Thank you for your courage in sharing this, stay strong. :)
As someone who struggled (and still somewhat does struggle) with Depression and Self Injury, I can relate to this piece. Rescue is possible, Love is the movement.
 
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no1butherself said...
Feb. 20, 2010 at 2:58 pm:
i feel the same. nobody sees my facade. and it feels no one cares enough to fight for the real me. i wish someone would.
 
wssmuffin replied...
Feb. 22, 2010 at 5:21 pm :
you'll definitely find someone that's willing. there's always SOMEONE out there, sometimes it just takes them awhile to find you.
 
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ijuzwannabeloved said...
Feb. 18, 2010 at 4:44 pm:
i can truly relate to you i went through something similar as you but then my knight in shinning armor came she helped me through everything because she went through it to me and her became best friends and i just wanted to tell you this because i really appreciate how you told your'e story because im still having trouble telling mines
 
wssmuffin replied...
Feb. 22, 2010 at 5:22 pm :
thank you very much. it took me three years to tell this story, and eventually you'll find a way to tell yours. i don't really ever over, but making it even this far has made me much stronger than i was. you'll be able to tell your story when you're ready, don't rush it.
 
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WRIT3R4LIF3This teenager is a 'regular' and has contributed a lot of work, comments and/or forum posts, and has received many votes and high ratings over a long period of time. said...
Feb. 17, 2010 at 5:59 pm:
This is very nice. I looked at the website and, even though I'm not depressed, I loved it!
 
wssmuffin replied...
Feb. 22, 2010 at 5:20 pm :
thank you very much (:
 
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