I have come to realize that I have fallen and more than once at that. Yes, I have learned that we should learn from our mistakes, but I on the other hand let my past mistakes linger on. I know most would say forget about your past think about the future and what is it to come, but I have realized that my past is what has brought me to this future. I can't help but think that if I did a few things differently my future or present life now would have been way better. I have come to realize that I have fallen. I have hurt so many people throughout the years maybe I didn't mean to, but either way people that I cared for were hurt. The worst part about it is sorry just doesn't cut it. I believed that I could always make it bette r in the end but I can't. That is what hurts the most I can't make things like they used to be. I can't have my old friends back, I can't have a life where my mind wasn't always thinking about what ifs or drugs or any of that crap. No, my life no consists on WHYS, as in why did I have to do that, why did I say that, why did I hurt that person. Some of you may not realize the reasons behind this writing but those of you who do shall will understand why I feel the way I do. I can't help but say I'm sorry but I think to myself do I really mean it. The one thing I can say is that I have tried to better myself one step at a time. I thank the kids that pushed me into going to church , because without it I would be way worse. I thank the friends who have stuck with me through thick and thin. I thank the church friends who have talked me through so much. Yet I can't help but thank that I'm an idiot for falling so hard each time and no matter what anyone tells me it shall never change. You may tell me not to be so hard on myself, but when you have lived my life you shall no why I feel the way I do. This is why I must keep my faith but faith is a concept that I can't fully comprehend yet so I must figure out how to pick myself up when I have fallen, but until then I shall use my friends. The one thing I truly regret is sticking with the friends who brought me down with them, because yes I thought I could make a change in their life but instead I wasn't strong enough so I fell down with them. So I leave my statement that you may be disappointed with me at times and I may annoy you but think to yourself maybe he does these things to keep himself from falling.
January 21, 2010