*beep, beep, beep* goes my alarm clock. I hate mornings especially when i have to look at the ugly, fat person in the mirror. I walk over to the bathroom. Look in the mirror to see if anything has changed. Nope still there, the flab i get from eating to much. I hop in the steaming shower, where i don't have to hear or feel anything except the water rushing down my back. After i am in there for about 15 minutes i feel sick so i get out. I dizzily walk into my room. I stare at the mirror. Who is that? It doesn't look like me anymore, it looks like a skinny person who doesn't have the slightest idea what she is doing to her body. I quickly change so I don't have to stare at the thing in the mirror. It's a game day, and Friday, so i feel like sweatpants and a hoodie. Smells like mom is making pankakes. I love pankakes, with homemade raspberry jelly but do i have enough courage to stay strong? Not eat anything unless she makes me. I kind of wish in a way she would so i could feel the warm fluffy pankakes slide down my throat. Instead i grab a cup of yogurt, and sit down. I try not to make eye contact so i don't have to talk about my "issue". She doesn't try to talk to me she just says "good morning" and i say it back. I go upstairs and make my bed. I wish i could just go and throw up the yogurt but i have a game and need the nutrients. I pack my bag: White uniform, water-bottle, shoes, socks, my braces, and my school work. I really hope the counsler doen't want to see me today, i really don't have the strength to fight back- "no, i have been eating alot", "i weigh 110", everything i would tell her would be a lie- im actually 100 and want to get down to 95 then 94 and then 93, etc. >>>>> This went on for about a year. Today I am much better, i didn't go to people and get help i did it on my own. I figured if i wanted to feel good about my self i had to show it and no matter how big my body was i had to accept it as it was: beautiful. I love my life now and am proud to say i got over my addiction. Going back to it is never an option and when i was quitting my addiction, i told my self that quitting wasn't an option, I had to go through with this. If your will power isn't enough i suggest going to counsling or getting help. It isn't fun seeing your hard work, to keep your body skinny, go to waste but it is worth it: to have self-esteem again and have a much better life.
Anorexia and Bulemia
January 21, 2010