Dear Family...

December 25, 2009
Good Morning. I hope you are doing well. I also hope I am doing well. Hopefully I am sleeping at this moment and will continue to past the time of my unfortunate internal alarm. In order to fully understand the reason behind this teenage behavioral anomaly, I beseech you to cooperate in an experiment I am calling Operation Heavenly Hush. The experiment is to begin at approximately 7:45 and last for about 30 minutes. I invite you to take this opportunity to have a quiet meditation, read a book, have a silent conversation with yourself, learn sign language, master lip reading, listen to music with the volume turned all the way down, clap without touching your hands, conjure up an imaginary friend with bronchitis, become a mime, or test out the mute button on the TV.

As you can see, there is a multitude of activities available for you to occupy yourself with that do not involve disruptive noises that might awaken your sleeping daughter.

In the interest of my both my physical and mental well being—the states of which invariably affect you due to my expressive nature and startling outbursts—I believe it would be best for everyone if you complied with my requests.

Thank you. You are doing the right thing.

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