I pop it in my mouth, take a swig of my coffee, I won't eat anything for breakfast. I head off to school, already I feel the effects. I am awake, more so than my peers at 7:30 am. I go to my locker and then my first class, this is my best class of the day, I'm awake enough to get things done, but I'm not feeling the full effects. Second period rolls around, I say hello to people I know in the hallway, or at least throw them a smile. By the middle of second period, I start watching the clock. 10:15 am- Directed study. I sit near friends but I am not talkative. Third period starts just in time. I look away when people I know pass me by in the hallway, it is beginning. I watch the clock, today I have third lunch, and I have to wait until the end of the period to go to lunch. 20 minutes into third period, I start to feel ill. My chest feels tight; my hands start to shake, adrenaline rages through my body. My face begins to feel numb, I stop doing my work. It's almost lunch time, but I won't eat lunch. Fourth period- Nothing gets done. I play with my pen or scribble. I can't doodle, just scribble. The day ends, my friend wants me to come over before work. I agree, but tell her I won't be much fun today, she says she understands, but she doesn't. We go to her car and drive around in silence. I'm barely awake, my stomach hurts, I hadn't eaten anything all day, but I won't eat a snack. She turns on the music to my relief, my eyes feel heavy and I sink into the passenger seat. Even if I was home, I wouldn't be able to sleep. I don't feel anything. I am numb. Even the funniest thing in the world would warrant a fake laugh, a forced laugh, a lie. I hadn't really smiled all day, and I won't. We go to my friend's house, I force more laughs and try hard to make conversation. She is my best friend. Conversation is otherwise easy, but not today. 2:48 goes by and she brings me down the street to my house. I go inside, no one is home, I'm glad. I'm mean to my sister after school. I don't do homework; I sit in the living room and check my phone, then go on the computer. I go on message boards or chat rooms, never with anyone I know in real life. I would be mean to them. I check my phone. The time flies by, my sister comes home at 4:00 pm. She asks if I'm hungry or offers to make me a snack, I refuse. I continue on the computer. My mom comes home at 6:30 pm, tells me to clean and goes to lie down on the couch. She'll stay there for the rest of the night, unless she makes dinner. Dad comes home and they eat, I say I'm not hungry, but my chest is painful with hunger. I drink some water. 8:00 goes by, my other sister comes home, I have to give up the computer, and I check my phone. I watch NCIS with my dad, I don't like spending time with him, and he asks me questions on commercials. I continuously check my phone. Then I take a shower. Its 9:40 by the time I get out and get dressed, so I call my boyfriend. I smile for real for the first time all day. He has to finish his homework, by now its 11 pm. I write in my journal and pet my cat. I can draw again. I might even get a snack. I take some melatonin and go to bed, knowing that tomorrow I'll be sedated once again.
January 16, 2010