I wonder what lies beyond where I'm sending myself.

December 31, 2009
By Anonymous

What are you supposed to do?
Where can you go?
Who can you turn to?
It's not like there are always doors to safety,sometimes..
all there is,is you..sitting with your face buried into your palms,the darkness surrounds you.
I don't mean darkness,as in depression,and hatred.
Darkness,as in all of the colors smeared and blurred together of everyday life..
All of the confusion,the fear.The determination.
I don't know why it's come down to this.
I don't want to cause a fuss,over just me.
I can't be worth it,I won't let myself be.

These thoughts have been occuring so often,more so now than ever.
When I was taught of self inflicted injury,how to know to get help,how to help..
They never told you it would be obvious and clear that help needed to be sought..
The thoughts of,ways to get the job done,reasons why I should,what their lives would be like.

What kind of flowers,if any,they would purchase for my memorial services..

I don't want them to put the blame on themselves.
It's my decision..at least..it should be.

I just can't imagine life at home for them after I've deserted them.
After I've walked away.
After I've gone.

My mother,working a 2:30-11:00 job everyday.
My father working a 6:00-3:00 job everyday.
My one sibling,a highschool dropout,working at wonderful Long John Silver's,after obtaining his G.E.D.

Life just goes.
We live together,in a three bedroom trailer,in a small trailer park,in a small town,in Tennessee.
Everything seems okay,but it's just not.
They just don't know it yet.

My father doesn't share much with me anymore.I love him,he says he loves me sometimes.We aren't as close as we were,not close at all.He says he's just trying to protect me..but how can you protect someone you don't even know,even if it is your child?
We just don't connect. Don't conversate. Rarely let our paths intersect.
He's convinced me,this is just a chapter in my story. I'll have to move on and let them go someday,might as well start breaking myself away sooner rather than later.
It's not his fault.
All though,I wish he would have shown more understanding than anger. Love rather than flames. I can't even talk to him in my normal,kind voice anymore. No matter what I say to him,it comes out wrong and hurtful.Same thing whenever a word falls from his tabacco stained mouth,nothing but hurtful,stupid comments. I never meant for it to,but he's done this to me.
But it's not his fault. I love my Dad. I just wish he was still,'Daddy.'

My mother knows alot,but she doesn't really know the person I am. She knows my honest likes,and dislikes. Knows my closest friend,and has met my boyfriend. Doesn't know much beyond that. She's nice to have around,she knows my father and I share a very deep hatred for eachother,not sure why.It's just come natural after so many years of drifting away from eachother.
She buys me clothes,and books.Whatever eles I sometimes request. She loves me. I just wish she knew me,instead of the person she thinks I am.
Mommy,I want her to know I love her.I'll always be with her.
It's not her fault.

My big brother.My only sibling. Wesley.
We sometimes chat about current events in eachother's worlds. Sometimes argue,sometimes laugh together. Every so often we cross eachother's paths in the kitchen,and chat about something.
Or he just comments me being 'fat',sometimes I beleive its true.He swears he's only kidding.
I don't know much about my brother,but I know a little. He claims to know more about me than I know about myself. I don't know. Maybe he's in the right feild,going into physchology and all.I'd be so proud of him to be working as such. I want to see him make it big,I know he can. I love my brother. He's been a good friend over the years.

Such a life,a family that barely knows eachother,but claims to.
I'll be honest,I'm not fond of my family at all,but somehow we find love for eachother.Even if there are only four of us. We live no where near any relatives.It's just us.Always has been,always will be.

I don't know much beyond there.
I just know I hate living.
I shouldn't,I have everything I could ask for. Kind of.
Living a life just isn't cut out for me to do.

So many other people add to this situation.
Girls at school. Horrid tramps.
People around me.
Judgemental,I know I shouldn't care,but..
I'm not strong enough not to care.

I could make a list of things that are wrong.
I don't know where to go.
I'm confused,and lost.
I just want it all to be over.

Imperfections on my body,imperfections in my relationships,my unsureness of everything.
I want out.

Sometimes,I sit and wonder if this swims in my gene pool.
My cousin,a few months younger than myself,cut herself. Deep. Wanted to die. She just wanted out. So do I.
I can't say I blame her. What would my parents say if I told them I felt the same as dear Jessica?

I don't know what to do.
But I know I'm frustraing myself,waiting..

I pray to God.
Show me where you want me to stand.
Show me someone.
Just show me.

Caking on the make-up,standing in front of the bathroom sink staring into the mirror.
Wonder what others see when they stare into my deep blue and grey eyes.
I just wonder.
Have I given away hints?
I want someone to know.
I don't know who to tell.
How does one go about telling someone you're on the verge of taking your own life away?

Wonder if anyone's heard me screaming when I sit silent and still.

The author's comments:
Figured this was the safest way to admit things to myself.

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