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I walk through the halls as the weeks go by following my fall out. I have lost many friends, but almost all were by choice. Though here I am standing, knowing how things have to be, but unable to let everything fall away, unable to let the past drift off into... the past.
I still see her, Katie. She hugs me, we talk. It makes me sad. She looks at me with her big blue eyes shinning. She thinks everything will blow over. I know the choice I have to make.
Images of Shay pop up in my mind along with Katie. I haven't said more then a few words to her since our fall out. I have been forgotten as easy as our friendship flourished.
Letting Shay go is easy, was easy.
She was easy to love when you were with her, an easy going attitude set the tone for inside jokes that made us laugh for days. But when you were away from her, you were convinced you might just choke her next time you caught a glimpse of her, she had no concept of secrecy or respect.
Watching her fall was a different story. Watching her fall was hard.
Fake nails so long, tight jeans too tight. It made me shudder, to see her in the hallways. This girl was not the same person I had befriended. Where was shay?
I heard the rumors mill work a couple of times, I heard the whispers of gossip by others with nothing else to discuss.
Abortion? Shay? No! Everybody said so, I was reluctant until she admitted it to Katie. Drugs?
The lifestyle others wanted to leave? She had been absorbed, suck up into a whirlwind of bad habits.
I could do nothing but watch.
I wanted to cry for her, I wanted to hug her, I wanted to tell her I was there for her, but I had my own problems.
Did I want too? I’d be lying if I said I didn’t.
Human suffering is a hard thing to witness.
How do we endure the cries of help from others?
It makes me sick, makes me shiver, the only question I can ask is how? And why?
It made me sick to think, could I be in her spot? I tell myself no. The inside of me quietly chants yes. Maybe to torture me, or maybe because it’s the truth. Either way, I am lucky. I convince myself I am the lucky one, even though earlier on I didn’t believe it.
Walking down the halls of my school, I see people whose shoes I would love to step into. Girls with nice cars and who seem to have fun without trouble.
And many lost souls.
I have made my decision.
I know what I have to do, whether I want to do it or not, people are willing to help me, they’ve been trying too. I have pushed them away, try to let my current carry them away, but they keep swimming back.
So many thoughts swim in my head.
Can I do it? No room for self doubt.
I can change, I can walk away from this, I can be a better person. Who I was will not dictate who I become.
I want so bad, to do it alone, but I know I can’t.
So I will kneel, and ask god to help me find courage. I will look my mother and father in their eyes and tell them I am ready to change. I will do what I have to. If I said I had no choice, I’d be lying. But today, I am confident that I am making the right choice.
I choose greatness.
Shay, Katie, Devery?
Will they ever make the decision to better there selfs?
I don’t know, but I’m making my choice. I am leaving them, letting them go. I am making a choice. The same way Katie made a choice to be a victim, instead of survivor. The same way Shay made a choice to become a hood rat, instead of a basketball star. The same way Devery is making a choice to throw away her life.
I will pray for them. It’s my time.
They can make their own choices, they may not be the right ones, but it won’t affect me. I have told myself time after time, ‘she’s a good person’. ‘She just needs help’. ‘She will make it.’ ‘If I guide her, maybe I can save her.’ I am tired or lying to myself.
In their problems, I have lost myself. I cannot hold on to the weak. I cannot save the drowning. I have to save myself first.
I can’t make their struggles, mine.
I am free now.