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The Blackout - Memoir of my own
“I never knew until that moment how bad it could hurt to lose something you never really had.”
~From the television show The Wonder Years
She kicked lightly to my bag with her foot to grab my attention. I was nervous but I knew I couldn’t run. Looking up from the floor I saw her looking down at me with her hand outstretched, holding a small piece of paper between her fingers. I waited for her to say something as I saw the look in her eyes. She wasn’t sure how to do this, how to tell me she wasn’t interested.
“It’s a really nice poem.”
Her voice was soft spoken, and I felt my heart sink. Without a word I took the piece of paper and pushed it into the pocket of my pencil case. Still, I couldn’t just continue what I was doing, and I knew this wasn’t done yet. I looked back to her as she fidgeted slightly. Her face was down as she continued. “It’s just…”
I stood up as she trailed off with her sentence. I already felt rejected, but still apart of me was… content with her talking. I already knew this was strange for her; I didn’t want her to feel uncomfortable.
“Look… I just,” I paused as her friend walked over by us, but one look at the two of us and she went back to her phone conversation and walked away. I turned my eyes back to her, taking in her expression. It was rejection, I was being rejected but my heart was still beating fast. “Can we go over there?” I asked, motioning to the less crowded part of the hall opposite from where we stood. She replied with a sure as we walked over to the spot. I could still feel the tugging at my heart.
The conversation was a blur. Everything was in slow motion, but in reality it all happened so fast.
“I feel like I’m going to faint.” I said in all honestly as I looked at her. “Okay, I’m not going to lie,” I began, feeling my anxiety eating away at my insides. I told her how I figured it out. Once she had gotten the poem into her hands and had it read, once my friend told me what she said to her I knew. She didn’t have the same feelings. I knew that, I understood that. She said she was flattered, and she thought I was brave, but she didn’t have the same feelings for me.
“I mean, with the Halloween candy and the Christmas present was nice, but that’s why I didn’t want to give you my number. I didn’t want to lead you on.” She explained to me. At first I was embarrassed about it; so she knew I gave her the candy grams. I said I was okay with it. I felt my chest tighten as I tried to not show my sadness. If I became sad she would feel uncomfortable, and I don’t think I could’ve dealt with a breakdown, not in front of her. “Again, I’m not going to lie,” I told her, repeating that line once more. “It’s going to take me awhile to get over this, I mean… I still like you.” As the conversation went, it was awkward but I saw her give me a small smile at what I said.
“But you don’t know me.” She stated, and you know what, I knew that. I only knew how she was in school, we weren’t close. But I wanted to know her. “Besides I have a lot of flaws, I have a big head,” She started off, trying to list all these so-called flaws about her. It was kind of humorous to watch as she smiled, looking away as she made a small list. “-and I’m incoherent with hearing things some times. So just think about that.” She finished, I wanted to tell her not to say those things. Everything she said I had no problem with, I thought they were cute. I wanted to tell her that’s why she flawless, because all those flaws made her perfect. Still, I couldn’t… I couldn’t do that to her.
“Thank you for understanding,” She told me with a brighter mood compared to her softer expression earlier. “Thank you for understanding me understanding how you understand.” I think that’s what she said, something along those lines. She was laughing now, and it made me happy to know she wasn’t uneasy at the moment. Then she held out her fist to me in a friendly gesture. “Friends?” She suggested, looking to me with expectance. I smiled and touched fists with her gently.