Scared To Live Again

December 12, 2009
After that day and after that moment I never wanted to breathe again. Activities and events suddenly seemed unpromising and unmemorable to me and my hopeless heart. I just slept through my mornings and nights, suffering and feeling inferior to a “normal” human being. When I would sleep I would wish I’d stay asleep for years, not having to wake up realizing that this wasn’t just another nasty criticizing nightmare of a dream. According to my parents, I was sad and hurt; according to myself I was broken and very alone. The pain went on and still I felt wounded. The deep figurative scars on my heart seemed like they would never heal. The burns on my arms remaining they will stay there to be revealed and never to be forgotten.
I was no longer absolute anymore; I had no independence to call my own. I leaned on others; his arm would pull and grasp just trying to vertically stand me up, her shoulder had held my tears as well. For a year I battled it; the months were too long. Sometimes it still gets to me and I have to hear a sad song.
I blamed myself for everything even if I had no idea why or what the problem was. I ridiculed my life to the point where I was worth nothing and nothing was worth me; or so I thought. I lived inside my head where only bad hateful thoughts lived. My beauty was torn and my happiness was shattered. Everything I had been brought up with, everything I had believed, I threw out the window and still I had grieved. My childhood smiles went away from my face; my laughter was no longer a cheerful one, but a sad one at that. Sometimes it’s hard to realize I let it all go, for one heart break equals one broken soul. Is it a fair price to pay?
As my depression got worse and more painful, I stayed in my room writing to the world of my tragedies. I had not seen joyful days where the sun would shine for I was unable to acknowledge the matter. When it rained my soul cried temporary relief. The past comes back to haunt my guilt. I stayed in the state of emotion, for too long I was a constant sad, and undying numbness I felt and lived. It seemed like I had been like this all my teenage life.
Around your town you won’t find me, around the state I may be, but no one is truly like me, because I am unique; as different as a Koi fish in the deep blue sea. A long time ago you would have never guessed, that behind this face was a failing grace. Every now and again you might see my features and you’ll believe my smiling eyes. No matter the day, no matter the time, everyday is a day I try to hide a certain pain. I write too many words and read too many books.
I was scared to start living a life that meant something and had a special meaning. I had to re-enter this world. It was so strange having to experience fresh air again or the cement on the sidewalk. The joy and love terrified me to tears, literally. How would I go on? I thought. I would have to rebuild my entire universe and heal my imperfect image of myself.
I regained my independence, because now I have to learn to stand on my own, as it should be. I have to hope for the best and believe tomorrow will be a better day. I had to let it go and forgive my hating self. I never knew how much I could hate someone until I was the victim of that hate. I held my head high and smile at the sun. Each time I want to cry, I laugh instead, wishing I didn’t have memories of the times I felt I wanted to die. It will be okay from now on, I just remind myself of the trials I went through, the pain and sorrow I felt will make me a better and stronger individual when I look in the mirror. It made me grow up, to see and be grateful and for that I am very courteously thankful. I now believe I make a difference in this world I used to envy.

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erinzombie said...
Jan. 2, 2010 at 12:35 pm
I really loved this. So well written, so much in it.
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