November 27, 2009

Yesterday I woke up to the same wall that I woke up to today, it doesn’t mean anything, there is no symbolism behind the sentence that you should be itching to discover. It’s a fact; I sleep in the same place everyday --- which should be a good thing, seeing that I have a home, or at least, a consistent place to sleep. Don’t get me wrong, I am grateful, its just that I used to wake up to one wall, and now I wake up to another, if you get what I mean.
Anyway, I am supposed to talk, and naturally that would mean you would listen. But see here is the thing, me telling and you listening is rather boring, and probably wouldn’t make that great of a story.
So here it begins, and lets hope it doesn’t end; because after all a story is so much better than the actual life it’s told from.

It wasn’t a normal day; actually there haven’t been a lot of normal days recently. Don’t get me wrong, I didn’t say they were bad days, I just didn’t say they were good either. I mean that is the definition of life right? Things get worse before they get better, it just so happens that I haven’t gotten to the good part yet, and right now it honestly seems impossible that I will ever be able to.
I try to move past my negative thoughts as I walk up the hill to my first class, but it is hard to escape the whirlwind of memories tormenting my brain.
Both my friends and I have noticed that I cant hold a smile anymore, something’s funny, I laugh, and then my smiles melts back into that desolate frown.
They have been worried, I can tell, they have tried to talk to me. They ask what is wrong, but I never give an answer.
My mom wants me to keep quite. It’s your family’s personal business, she says. And then I reply, sometimes I really wish it wasn’t.
But I can’t help what is going on with my family, I wish I could, but not very many people can do the impossible.
Trust me, if I could stop the fighting I would. If I could silence the yelling I would. If I could right the wrongs I would. And I suppose, If I could leave and never come back I would.
But I can’t, and that is what hurts the most. Because I am helpless --- completely helpless. I can’t do a single thing to save my family, and I am doomed to watch as my family falls apart and there is nothing I can do to fix it.
Some people believe in fate, and how things are supposed to happen because that is how the universe works.
I assure you, this is not fate. At least I sure hope that whoever is running the show out there wouldn’t intentionally put not just me personally but everyone I come in contact with, my family included, through this type of hell.
When I come home I am I don’t find comfort or love, no instead I am faced with yelling, that never seems to end.
My house is like a ticking bomb, its ready to explode at anytime, and you’re always waiting, watching for the moment when it explodes.
Single words remind me of memories, that’s how powerful they are, that’s how much they have affected me.
And the words themselves, the ones that remind me, they aren’t bad or hateful, they wouldn’t make you cringe, unless of course you had a memory to connect them with.
Me? I have many of those words, because I regretfully have many memories.
They are flashing through my head right now, like red lights pulsing.
Red: That reminds me of her body tumbling down the stairs; that reminds me of her red hair sprawled on the floor as her body lay bruised and broken.
Stairs: That reminds me of all the nights I sat awake because the yelling was too loud and the words to harsh to dream.
Dream: That reminds me of what I have, and what I wish I didn’t.
Wish: That reminds me of her wedding day, and how terrible life has become since.
Life: Reminds me of death.
Death: Reminds me of my real father.

I have memories I could share that would ruin your day, because they have ruined far too many of mine. But I can’t share my story, and not because my mom wants to keep our life private, but because I cant inflict that kind of pain on anyone else.
I have already worried my friends, and unintentionally caused them pain. I have hurt the ones I loved, and pushed away the ones I could.
And I just can’t do that anymore; I want to look forward instead of back. I want to focus on my grades and my athletics like everyone advises my do to. I want to forget, and move on. I want this lesson --- this stage in my life to end, so I can hopefully move on to something better.
I want to, but I don’t know if I can, because sometimes a burden is too much to bear.

Both my friends and I have noticed that I don’t smile anymore, but only I know why.
They don’t know, but sometimes I wish they did.

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