As a teenage everything is so much more sensitive. I hate crying in front of people. So I have been since school started have been suffocated and just a feeling over my chest like a heavy weight. I cry yet I don’t know why. I try to understand things and observe things. I have a friend who always tells me negative things and before I met her I was usually positive. I hate it because she ruins my day when she tells me doesn’t like this or that but I could never live without her. She is my source of air and support yet I am not content. I was taking a walk in the desert and began thinking about the things that get me down. For one, religion and faith, there seems to be a fault in everything and all I want to go to heaven, but I don’t know which religion is right. Second, I wonder why am i here? I kept walking and said if I don’t die like get hit by a car I must be here for a reason but still the saying don’t tempt thy lord thy god. In a way I wasn’t tempting just needed answers, but in a way it was. What am I doing here? How is my life supposed to be like? Will I have children? Will they be adopted? Will I ever get my dreams? Or am I supposed t o be a leading war hero in the future? Do I live a quiet life? Will I be a poet? HELP?! I think I have gone insane. I barely have a sense of myself. I don’t like living like this. But then at the end of my walk I remember the good times and when I laugh or my favorite tv show. What weighs out more the negative or the positive? Its over-bearing. All I want is happiness. Could I train myself to be? I have to get good grades for a good life. I need some many things. I just need a break. I want out. I need to love myself. I need a place to scream or be away from some influences. Time? Is that the answer? Sigh. Breathe and take one step at a time.
October 26, 2009