Disappointment

October 7, 2009
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How does it feel? I began asking myself, as I met his glance. How does it feel to be hated by your own family? I cannot bring myself up to stare at him or even hold his glimpse for a second… or two. He was a disappointment as a husband and a failure as a father.
How can you? I wanted to ask.
How can you bring such misery and still live?
How can you not think about terminating your own life?
Just take the pills and gulp
Forget its bitter taste and try some more
I’ll try to wake you in the morning
Dial the 3 digits if you don’t wake
And leave you there.
Better yet, you should go.
I’ll look over the family
They’ll cry but I…
I will not.
Instead, I’ll save those tears for a heart break- something in my life that comes before you.
I’ll also save the tears for the time my little sisters try looking for you
“You don’t need him” I WILL convince THEM SO
I don’t… I won’t need you.
I can’t recall the time when I’ve asked for your help
Or when I called out your name in pain
Not when I busted my head and shrieked at the sight of the blood gushing down my forehead like an overfilled air balloon
Nor the time that dog of yours dug its pointy canine in my knee
I can still feel the pain, and the numbness of my knee
Every time I stare at the scar I remember exactly what you’ve said
“Why didn’t you stay away from its puppies?”
How could you? You heartless father
I had forgiven you like a little girl should
I tried to forgive you during those days when you left us
I did because I forgot you.
Mom was there
She’s all I need
She’s all I care for
Whose name did I cry out after a few months of my birth?
Hers…
It wasn’t because I didn’t care for yours. Its importance was just hard to determine.
Pity…
You never taught me the definition of that word so what should I do when I know
You’re internally hurt?
Talk to you maybe… but my brain is already functioning as if you never belonged in my word.
Love…
You taught me the exact opposite, living with you the last fifteen years.
The look in your eyes around mother never defined this word.
It was barely friendship…
You hated her
You made her feel lower than ground
Hate…
You made me hate myself. You made me hate my existence in this life and you just pushed me away.
Your other family had destroyed me and mother.
I know what they said to her.
That too, has been engraved in my memory.
You never wanted me
The irony… I never wanted to be with you.
To conclude, you are a disappointment in my life.
The way you’ve treated her,
I tried dealing with her cries when you go for work. I tried shutting myself in the closet but it made it worse
I could hear every single word.
She threw away the ring, last Monday. HAVE YOU noticed?
No… you never cared
She packed her stuff and is emptying out the closet. That’s why it looks empty.
She’s leaving are you trying to stop her?
Her mind is already set… She won’t hear me
“Pick a side” she told me yesterday. “Your sisters will come with me.”
I never responded.
“How does it feel, Father?”
“Your family is breaking up”
“Do you care?”
I already know the answer.
Drink a pill, two and more
Wait for the last sunrise and drink
Drink it for your last.
Close your eyes and go to sleep
I don’t want to see you, using your anger as a façade to cover your hurt.
“Do something!”
Swallow the pills and your pride
Get on your knees and start to beg
Although my disappointment in you can never cease to pile up
I can forgive you once more.
But it was I who swallowed the pride I have inherited from you
“Please, don’t let her go”
They say the eye is the mirror to the soul
But if I could just bring myself to look at you,
I might be able to get you out of your oblivion stage.


Dear Father
Why do you hurt us that much?
You can leave but please don’t come back.
She’s happier when you’re gone. Didn’t you know?
She deserves Better!
I will forget you
I won’t cry and I won’t force out the tears.
I’ll grow out of the misery you’ve stored in my heart
I’ll try to find myself,
Who I am
As an individual
And live happily because it is what I deserve.





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