October 6, 2009
By , Tulsa, OK
I’ve written twenty-two Teen Ink articles about what a jerk he is for cheating on me and how sad I am that he and I broke up, and well now he wants to get back together. I’m not sure if that’s the right choice for me or not. I’m scared that he changed his mind since we talked last night. I suddenly understand what Bella (Character from Twilight Saga) said about hoping, “If I let myself hope, and it came to nothing… that would kill me,” ( New Moon, Chapter 23, p.513). I am so scared that he (I’m not sure how to refer to him other than he, I guess still ex-boyfriend? But that’s not right. I can’t refer to him as my boyfriend yet, right? maybe “that guy”) doesn’t really want to get back together. If it turns out that that’s the case I’ll be absolutely devastated.

I am so terrified. I know I *should* tell him no, and go on with my life without him. Yet I can’t, because to be quite honest I still love him. A little bit ago he texted me and said “good morning baby.” I know that’s a good sign, but still. I don’t know how I’m going to go back to being comfortable talking to him again. It felt weird when we talked last night. Not normal. But I still like him, well more than like him.

The other problem is that my best friend said that if I ever get back together with him, and he breaks my heart again, she won’t be there for me. And let’s be honest the odds that he and I will break-up again are good. I mean come on…it’s a no brainer. So basically I’m choosing between happiness now and heartbreak later, or continuing the heartbreak now and happiness once I get over him later. Ah, what a choice.

I’m afraid of losing my best friends over this, if I do get back together with him, what will they think? I do need my best friends too. What’s a girl to do? I’ve heard of other girls choosing the guy, which is clearly the wrong choice when a person looks at it from a third person point of view. But when it’s in first person and it’s me having to make the choice, it’s a much harder decision.

Okay, to be truthful, although all of this is going on in my mind, I know that if he really does want to, then I am going to get back together with him. I already told him I want to, which is the truth…it’s just that it’s complex. There’s more to dating him now than there was before. I’m sure of what I want to do, and what I will probably do, but I am totally afraid I am making the wrong choice. I really don’t want to get my heart broken by him again, and that’s inevitable if we get back together because something will happen and we’ll break-up again. It’ll happen, maybe not for a couple months, but it’ll happen, period end of story.

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