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Looking in his eyes it felt warm as if his arms were around me and his eyes, gray and soft, were like the moon knowing the sun will never come to hurt and blind me like so many times before.

Him of course refers to Jon, but that tiny three letter name doesn't even begin to touch the tip of the iceberg of what truly lies behind what is called Jon. He was the air that entered my lungs, he was the earth that passed under my feet, he was the food I ate, he was the early morning daylight creeping through the window declaring it was time for me to open my eyes and start the day, he was my knight in shining armor, or so it had seemed, he was everything he'd observed I'd needed and that was all my weary mind needed. Tired of all the broken promises and nonacceptance, my weary broken existence took his kind words hard and fast. He caught on very quickly to my wants and needs. He knew me inside and out with very little effort. I was an open book ready to be torn apart page by page, and that's just what happened.

Looking at the gray screen it would seem that he had no scheme. For the future was to hold he would break away my only seam.

This facade of an existence and I met one night on the dull, gray luminous light emanating from my computer screen. Even then the mask was in full effect. “Your a very beautiful girl,” he said to me in his Times New Roman font of his instant messenger, appealing to my lack of self-confidence. This was the very beginnings of my soon to be addiction to his very presence, his every word, thought, or care. “I'd like to take you to military ball, “ he spoke again. At first I feared this idea. “What will I say to him?” I thought, “What if he doesn't like me?” My mind went rampant with questions and insecurities that held me back. One side of me was screaming, “No! Don't do it! He'll just reject you like everyone else has, why put yourself through it?” while the other screamed, “Do it! He seems very nice and whats the worst that could happen?” My dispirited existence could not put up a fight for long though and I caved to the attention. “Okay,” I agreed, “I'll go.”

This is the first time we would see each other and be there to actually just see one another. This occurrence led to another, and then another, until soon it was almost an everyday thing. This connection between us seems as though it had no flaws, but to think so you would be quite wrong. You see, Jon had failed to mention his very close ties to another girl. This girl, namely Sierra, had been his long time partner and me, being new to his life, had little knowledge of this. After inquiring with what little knowledge I had of the situation, he assured me I had nothing to worry about. “I love you,” he said, “what I feel with you even with just a hug is at least ten times stronger than any emotion I've had with her.” Of course after hearing that and a reminder every now and again, my naive mind was convinced, so I gradually stopped asking. After my worries were settled, my weak existence could go back to hanging on his every word, and that's just what I did. His name became synonymous with the two words “my world”, and it only progressed.

As we lay in his bed he snarled there's nothing to dread, now rest your head. Our skin got hot, our hands entwined. In my head I fought, yet I knew all was fine.

Then one day, we lay on his floor and discussed our future, as we normally did and he looked at me and said, “Babe, I love you and someday, I want to marry you.” I just returned his gaze, not knowing what to say. No words could explain to him how much that had meant or how I could say how much I felt the same. Words failed, so I tried actions. That one simple kiss led to another and soon I was over my head. “Are you sure?” his words drifted through the madness of our entwining bodies. Somewhere from inside me a “Yes” escaped my lips. It all happened so fast. It was over, gone just like that. I just lay there feeling his body heat radiating off of him an a constant wave of warmth, his sporadic breathing slowly returning to normal, and the rapid thumping of his heart against my side. We lay there in silence, taking in the moment and all that had just happened. “I love you,” the three meaningless words escaped his lips. “I love you too,” I replied, breaking the silence. “Are you ok?” he asked. “Yes,” I replied. There was a slight pause and then he asked “Do you regret it?” “No,” I answered, having little time to actually think it through. I didn't then, but soon the veil shielding me from the truth would be ripped away, showing me just how wrong I was.

For the longest time I couldn't see, for I was blinded you see, by some form of ecstasy, that I obeyed naively. But soon enough again I'd see, what everyone had tried to tell me. Once the smoke and mirrors had disappeared, I could see it was very clear, that the person I'd held so near, had only stayed with me out of fear.

Our relationship continued on in this manner until one night, I'd gotten fed up with what I was hearing and confronted him about it. He attempted to deny but his facade couldn't last much longer. Soon, he caved and said he wanted to talk. He arranged a time for the three of us, Sierra, him, and I, to talk. Him and Sierra had driven out to Kroger to pick me up after work, little did I know my entire existence would crumble siting in the back of her Honda Fit. We all sat there in the parking lot, patiently waiting for Jon to begin his explanation. “Alright,” he started off, “first, I want to apologize. You are both amazing, really great people, and I take full blame for this.” Obviously this had my attention, so I listened very intently to what he had to say next. I sat there on the hard black upholstery of the back seat as he explained in detail about how he had been using both of us. I could barely handle the words escaping his mouth. I felt as though someone had blown a giant hole, straight through me where my heart used to be. I felt as though my tear ducts would burst at any given moment, and he just kept explaining. With each word he spoke it was like pouring salt into the gaping hole in my chest. Then finally the words stopped pouring from his deceiving lips. Sierra and I both were obviously hurt and disgusted and wanted out of there, so Sierra drove us home.

Those warm gray eyes that I had known before, no longer existed anymore. For those gray, soft, moon-like eyes were merely a disguise. They were, as I suspected, everything I despise, which ultimately led to my demise.

Ever since I have not felt so strongly about one person, nor have I ever been so naive. I learned not to make one person my world, as does everyone with their first love.





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Natewolfmanjohnson said...
Oct. 5, 2009 at 1:09 pm
Its finally posted lol...and i;m the first to post a comment =)
 
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