Dreams and Hopes Crushed

September 27, 2009
By , Tulsa, OK
This is the first time I have felt so much need for my ex-boyfriend. My mom and I just got into a fight and my mom said I am like my dad. In my family that is the worst insult a person can give. I feel so hurt and like I am worth nothing. My first thought after I went to my room and slammed the door was, “I want to text my boyfriend.” But then I remember that he’s my *ex* boyfriend now. So instead of texting, I’m writing this, but I wish I had someone who I trusted enough and I knew well enough to text or call or e-mail.

Earlier today I wrote an article about how I’d truly moved on or some lie like that. The truth is that I still need my ex-boyfriend more than anything, but I tell myself that I have moved on, and I am good at eluding myself into acting like I have. But when something goes wrong and I feel terrible I do still want him and only him. I know I shouldn’t still feel this way, but for the two months or so we “dated” he was the most comforting person in the world to me.

Just now my mom called me into the living room, and she and I made up, but she said she meant what she said when she said that I am like my dad, and her saying that hurts so much. I am needing someone to tell me I’m wonderful, because right now I don’t feel like I’m wonderful or good at all. What makes this ten-thousands times worse, is that now I’m wondering if I am a jerk, and that’s why my ex-boyfriend cheated on me. Maybe he realized what a terrible human I am.

I am so scared that I’ll end up like my dad- never finding true love, or rather never being able to keep someone loving me. What if I really am like my dad? My dad has no real friends, no girlfriend, no college degree. My dad has been married and divorced twice. If I’m like him, then don’t I repel people in the same way?

I am so afraid. I want to have friends. I want to find someone who I love and will love me forever. If I’m like my dad that means I will never find that person and I will be alone in every way for the rest of my life. I want a career, not just a job. I want my dreams to come true. I want to be an author. If I’m like my dad, I’ll never be successful in what I want to do. Oh gosh, what am I going to do? I want a good life, not a life like my dad’s. I want people who love me all around me. I want to have best friends for life. I want…oh who cares what I want…It’s not like it’s going to happen anyways. I may as well get used to the idea that I am not someone who is going to go far in life, but someone who is going to fail epically.





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This article has 2 comments. Post your own now!

adonia said...
Oct. 5, 2009 at 8:13 am
Dear A. your are as great as you want to be ,and no one can predict otherwise. We all are who God says we are not other people. Please don't listen to all that negative stuff. Go and look in the mirror when you feel low and talk to yourself and tell yourself how great you are and how everyone loves you and how successful you are in life in love and in all your relationships,because only you can really dictate who you are not your mother not your boyfriend not even the world ,for you must sh... (more »)
 
TheAnonymousAuthor replied...
Oct. 5, 2009 at 6:37 pm
Thanks for your kind words, but I disagree with you on a few points. For one thing, I am who I say I am, not who God says I am. Ever heard of a thing called free will? I think people have it. Maybe God starts the process but we, as humans, finish what he or she or it has created.
Next, my mother does know me, there are parts of me that maybe she doesn't understand. Disagreeing with parents is just a teenage thing and I was angry when I wrote this article.
Lastly, just for clar... (more »)
 
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