Shattered Dreams, a shattered me

By , Silver Spring, MD
I always wanted a dad. A dad who would dry my tears, kiss my bruises, pat my head, tell me he loves me, and tuck me into bed. I wanted to be a daddy's girl. I wanted to be his pride and joy. I guess its true when they say be careful what you wish for.

My mom got married and i finally had a dad. A happy family or so i thought, until his true side started to show. He came home drunk, angry at the world, an evil look in his eyes, a crazy smile on his face, ready to let out his anger on us. I am so confused, scared and hopeless. Every little thing ticks him off and like a bomb he explodes. I can hear him come from work, fumbling to open the door, stumbling down the hall, cursing and screaming at the top of his lungs. A cold sweat runs down my body. Chills run up and down my back. My gut drops to the pit of my stomach. My hands feel clamy and sweaty. I feel betrayed,and dissilusioned. Is this how everyone else's family is?

Bruises cover my body. Tears cover my face. but there's a greater pain. A pain that can't be seen. It's a pain inside of me.It was betrayal, confusion, anger, hopelessness, and hurt. Did I deserve this? What did I do that makes him act like this? What did I do that makes him hate me? After, he's finish with me, he starts on my mother. It's an endless cycle of beating.He pushes her, hits her, both physically and mentally he attacks our lives. I pray for God to give us a sign of strength.I can't live like this. Someone please help me.I don't love my dad. He's mean and not just with actions. The words that come out out of his mouth are more hurtful than his fists. He'll call me a bastards child. He says I'm a piece of sh** who will never amount to anything. but, I don't care what he calls me but why am I always begging for his approval.

Why do I beg for his love and affection? I fear my father, everyday of my life, because my life is in his hands.When we try to leave, he begs us to stay, promising he'll change. But his apology sounds like the lyrics to a broken and scratched record. Last night he came home with knives threating to chop my mom into tiny little pieces and bury in the backyard only because she forgot to iron his shirts. I hid in my room feeling so scared, fear that I had never felt before. I felt so helpless, I couldn't do anything, or else it would be me that would receive the anger in the form of punches, kicks, and slaps across my face.I felt so invisible, and worthless but most of all forgotten.

I know that the neighbors know whats going on , and so does his side of the family. But they do nothing. There silence is a cooperation to his evilness. Does no one care about us? Or are they as scared as we are? We're isolated. In the back of my mind, there's a bit of hope, but there's something that really bothers me. In public he's the perfect man, the perfect husband, and the perfect father. But when we get home, its a completeley different person. Does he love us? Is this his way of showing us? Even though we live in a house of violence i still love him. i mean he's my father isn't he. He raised me even though i wasn't his.

He's made my heart so cold, and hard as steel. I want revenge. Today he hit me because i forgot to say good morning to him. He said it was disrespectful and rude. He wouldn't stop hitting me because i didn't cry. I screamed and yelled but not one tear appeared on my face. Is it my fault that he's made my body immune to pain? I went to my room and realized he loves seeing me in pain, he doesn't give a damn. i hate him! i don't love my father. The man who raises me, shelters me, gives me everything i need is a stranger in my heart. I wanna leave but i can't because when i leave all his anger will be inflicted into my sisters and most defenitely my mother. So i must stay and continue to be the punching bag, so my siblings don't have to go through what i'm going through.

I'm realizing i'm not a daddy's girl. I have to learn to walk on my own. No father-daughter dance for me, cause i'm not a daddy's girl. I wanted a dad, i wanted a happy family but those illusions are long gone. You shattered all my hopes, dreams, and faith dad. I'm trying to escape, but you have such a hold on us. I'm locked up, and what sucks the most is that i have a life sentence.The problem is my life sentence only includes death for I know you won't set me free. Dad set me free i'm tired of pretending to be living this "American Dream" with you. I don't want to be part of this family! I want a way out andi think that death is my only way out. Dad you shattered everything for me, but you shattered ME.





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This article has 3 comments. Post your own now!

Spanish_barbie said...
Sept. 25, 2009 at 10:26 pm
Just to let any furthr readers know, this isnt happening in my life at this moment, thankfulyl my parents have divorced and i dont have to go thru this anymore, thanks for the feedback tho :]
 
heaven said...
Sept. 23, 2009 at 12:29 pm
this is really good.keep writing,
hope everything is okay at home and your life. i can totally realte to this writing!!!keep writingjus no that!!
 
ivebeenthere2 replied...
Sept. 25, 2009 at 1:55 pm
You should check out some Domestic Violence shelters. Trust me, I've been there...It takes a lot of heart to leave-but you can do it!-You're worth it-I promise it will pay off in the long run
 
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