“I don't care what I look like. I don't care what others think of me.” Ever since I was little, very little, I said things like that, but it was a lie. A lie so well crafted and protected even I believed it myself for many years. When looking in the mirror I could never understand why I was never satisfied with how I looked. For the longest time I thought it was because I was overweight or because I wasn't athletic. But even after losing over 50 pounds and completely reshaping my body, I still wasn't happy. 

My first sign, that I can remember at least, was when I was watching Avatar, the Last Airbender with my family. In that show, there was a certain character, Ty lee. Keep in mind, I was only around 10 when this happened. When I saw her on screen, I had this weird feeling at all times in my chest. I would always get happy when they were on screen, and in my dumb brain, I just assumed I had a crush or something. But this wasn't like that, something that would take me way too long to figure out. 

Fast forward a few years and I'm shopping in a clothing store looking to get something new to wear since, what would you know, teenagers grow super quickly. Obviously this wasn't the first time I had gone clothes shopping, but it is one of the only times I can recall. We were walking through the boys section, picking up some shirts and shorts, but I really wasn't feeling any of them. Going to the fitting rooms, I only tried clothes that were super big on me. I hated seeing the outline of my body and every single piece of clothing we had grabbed, I loathed. But I didn't say that. I didn't want to be picky. “God, men's fashion is so boring. Women's clothing is so much better.” 

Haircuts were one of the things I hated most in this world. My head is super ticklish and I hated the sounds the scissors made. Also, when they put that cloak thing over you to protect you from the hair, it always made me squeamish and claustrophobic. The thing I hated most about haircuts though, was the end result. I don't know why I always imagined myself looking completely different every single time we went inside, only to be madly disappointed when we left. They weren't bad haircuts either, I just didn't like them. It was only when the pandemic hit the world and I started growing out my hair did I find something I liked. Having long hair actually made me happy, and for the first time I think ever, I was happy with how I looked. But looking back with what I know now, I was merely compensating for something much bigger. 

You know that classic conversation people have with their friends, the one where they talk about which super power they would want and how'd they use it. The one I always heard the most was the ability to teleport or to stop time, but those never really interested me all that much. The one I always wanted was shapeshifting. When people asked me why, to me, it was like a no brainer. You could easily get away from the cops if you just ran into a crowd, you could pretend to be really important figures like the president or something, you could even live out your dreams as a professional actor since you could realistically be anyone, but those were the only types of reasons I would actually give people. In reality, all I wanted to do with those powers was to just live my life as normal, but in a different skin suit. 

Crushes are a very normal thing to develop in high school, and even in younger grades. But for the longest time, I don't think I understood it as much as everyone else. Like I mentioned earlier, I thought I had already developed crushes on people, on girls. So imagine my surprise when I finally came to the realization that I had feelings for my best male friend. I remember putting off the idea for so many years with the reasoning that I was straight, I liked girls. But when I really thought about it, I really didn't think of girls in the same way as I did with my friend. But then what was I feeling towards girls, if not a crush then what. There was definitely something there, I just didn't know what.

Kids so often end up bullying people without even realizing it. Almost all of them fall victim to it, me included. When one of my classmates came out as non-binary, we all thought they were crazy. Overnight me and my friend all started talking behind their back. We never said anything to them directly and I doubt they even knew or remember, but even now, I still feel so bad about that. Back then, the thought of someone changing their gender, to me, was completely ridiculous. My dad thought so too. We had a long talk about that one day. To think humans have the ability to hate something just because they want it that badly. 

My life was never that hard. I had both my parents, even if they did divorce. I had friends. I went to a good school. My grades were…ok. So when I finally came to the realization that I wasn't ok, I couldn't understand why. I couldn't understand why I was thinking the way I was when there was no reason for me to be sad. That's when it hit me. “I wish I were a girl.”

Coming to the realization that I was trans made my life a little nicer in the beginning, but only so much harder later on. At first it was a great help to my mental health since I finally had an explanation for so many things that I had been feeling without even knowing I was feeling them. But on the other foot, I was now part of one of the most hated minorities in the world. Even I used to hate them for Christ's sake. But it's not only when I'm out of the house do I find people all around who'd want nothing more than for me not to exist, I did mention my dad earlier. Not even my friends fully supported me. Realizing that you live in a world where all people do is try to make your life harder was a real hit to the gut. And now I did have a reason to be sad, but it wasn't just sad anymore. 

The big question people often ask themselves after they realize that they're trans is “what now.” They may have had their big discovery moment and finally realized why they are feeling a certain way, but that doesn't really fix much. If anything, it makes it worse. After I finally realized, my gender dysphoria multiplied by thousands. I always hated how I looked, but now I despised it. I could barely even look in a mirror anymore without breaking down. Shoulders to broad, face to masculine, voice to deep, chest to small. The easiest solution to help these problems is by going on hormone replacement therapy, or HRT for short. It helps alter your body into the shape you want, but in some places, it's really hard to get.

In Florida, for example, Its actually considered child abuse to help a child transition, no matter the circumstances. That child could be suicidal from all the dysphoria and on the verge of killing themselves, and all the state will do is turn their back. I should know, I was one of those kids. Learning that I would have to wait until I was 18 years old to be able to start transitioning was heartbreaking. It pushed me closer to the edge than ever, but I always had my anchors to help me stay glued to the ground. When things got too hard to handle, I had my mom to help, or some of my friends, they didn't all leave me. 

HRT isn't the only option to start your transition with, however. You can do other things like buying the clothing that best suits your gender or training your voice to help better align with what you want. Knowing that I couldn't get HRT, I started on these things immediately. But there's a big learning curve when switching your gender. I, for example, had to learn how to do makeup, I had to take my measurements for the first time, since women's clothing is a lot more form fitting, and I had to realize just how expensive women's products were.

There will always be crappy people out there who try to make your day worse, but you can ignore them. The real biggest enemy is yourself. It's important to try and stay in good mental and physical help because, sadly, the trans community has one of the highest suicide rates out of any minority in the US. So if you ever find yourself inching closer to the edge, remember, there are good people out there, you're not alone, and that you're amazing.