My great great grandmother taught her daughter to sew, my great grandmother taught her daughter to sew, my grandmother taught my mother to sew, I refuse to learn. In a family as broken as ours, there are little things which we value. My mother has always loved that she was taught to sew, she takes pride in continuing a tradition as simple as that.

My mother and I do not have the best relationship and we never have, who knows why we fight as much as we do? All I know is that we do, and its heartbreaking.

One morning, I saw her sewing an old silk green dress she wanted to start wearing again. In an attempt to reach out, I sat beside her and talked to her about sewing and what it meant to her.

She looked almost scared that I showed any interest and said “We’ve never had a lot going for us in this family except for traditions, traditions keep us sane, they keep us connected. I miss my grandma and I miss my mom, sewing makes me realize that without them, just like i would be without the ability to sew, I would be missing a huge part of life”.

“ I wish I felt that connectivity with us and our family”  I say under my breath.
“ Em, I would be more than happy to teach you, you refuse to learn”

I wanted to learn how to sew so badly, I always told myself I would try one day, I always convinced myself that I would teach my daughter and she would teach hers. So, with a heart full of gold, I took a deep breathe and daringly replied with “nah”.

“It's simple really, I'm gonna show you anyways, you don't have to do it or anything. Just watch!”.

My mother grabbed a needle and a loose piece of fabric.

“First you thread the needle”. She stuck her tongue out of the corner of her mouth and squinted as hard as I had ever seen anyone squint before, I bursted out in laughter because she doesn't know how ridiculous she looks.

“Oh you think its funny? It must be soooooooo easy for you huh? Here, take the needle and the thread, you do it then” she said with a testing tone.

I grabbed it and stuck my tongue out the corner of my mouth and squint as hard as I can.

“Here! You do it, i don't want to learn this crap anyways” I hand the needle and thread back.

“The next step is to knot the end of the rope, cut the length you want a tie a knot at the very end so the thread stays put. Make sure you made the knot tight and big, double up if you have to.”. She starts to squint and push her tongue out of the corner of her mouth, i hold back my laughter knowing it's just a ploy to get me to do the sewing for her.

“And, voila!” She yells.

“Yeah okay, nice knot.” I say condescendingly.

“So once the thread is through, you can start stitching and sewing, for my dress im taking off the back panel and adding a few inches to the straps. For the panel I’m sewing the dress back together and for the straps im stitching them back in place. This is a basic stitch.”

I look away at my phone and yawn, before I can look up she shouts,

“Pay attention!”.

“I am! Chill out”.

“Don't tell me to ch- It doesn't matter, watch now. I’m guiding the needles straight and up  and down. Notice how i'm gathering the fabric and going up and down with the needle as fast as possible.”

“Yeah I see that.”

“When It comes to sewing you do the same technique but with two fabrics, you thread the needle through each piece back and forth up and down”

“Okay, are we done now?”

“I mean, do you wanna try?”

I thought long and hard, I now know how to sew better than I know how to spell my last name. Should I give it a chance, try and learn more so that I can continue the family tradition, maybe teach my daughters how to sew and have her teach her daughter. With all the humility and strength I could muster, I looked at her dress and then back to her. Finally, I said “Nah” and walked away.