“Every man[person] must decide whether he will walk in the light of creative altruism or in the darkness of destructive selfishness.” - Dr. Martin Luther King Jr.
Life is filled with questions, answers, and even more questions as well as filled with paths, riddles with doors that expand a lifetime. Some close while others open and are based on one of 2 factors; Darkness or Light. We all see our share of experience which shape who we are. Many of us see the same thing but with different situations and outcomes. The thing that makes all of our experience different is not the way they came or are nor the outcome either but it’s how we come out of it. What was it that we took out of it or what did it take out of us? Did we drive the outcome in our favor or did it drive us? Life is always in motion and never in a single straight line forward, upward, or downward. For me, everything began in waning days of 8th grade, April-June 2015
Although it began in that time period, certain factors came beforehand. Every person has someone. A person that will be there for them and with them through it all and vise versa. Luckily, I met that person at a young age, 7 to be exact. He and I became friends at an instance, just great times were made with him. The only actual time we had a bad moment was when this girl took my pencil and I tried to take it back. If things went an alternative way, without him, I’d probably have fallen a long time ago. I would have fallen in general.
I still argue with him about that event and provide evidence as to why it wasn’t my fault. He wasn’t mad or held a grudge but he knew that it was all an accident and that it wasn’t my fault. There were minor struggles every now and then but they were petty child ones which have absolutely no weight but besides that, there were none with this person. He and I would go on to become the greatest of friends. We no longer consider each other best friends, close friends, or even friends, we’re brothers and his name is Jesus Robles or Chuchu being his childhood nickname. We’d go through thick and thin together and we’re both Mexican so faced the many troubles that were brought our way because of it together. He and I would grow up together and beat each other up (like brothers) with lightsabers.
I was and still am a huge Star Wars fan since it taught me many things like the concept of dark/light, duality, darkness consumption, as well as that truth doesn’t really exist. Jesus looked out for me from the begin and showed me everything he knew as we got older. All his struggles as well as their lessons and taught me them. Many laughs, as well as tears, were shared between us. He was basically like my Obi-Wan Kenobi and me, his student.
Another person that would later go on to have a massive impact in my life is worth mentioning for she’d play a role in my revelation. Since Jesus looked out for me, I kept the idea that everyone deserves someone like their own Jesus so I tried to be that someone. Came 7th grade, a year and a few months before, I found that person. A girl who had just recently came back to the United States. She had no one besides her 3 sisters and her parents but didn’t have a male figure beside her father on which she can confide as well as look out for her.
I remember it as if it were yesterday, even the littlest of detail still hits me. She was extremely quiet and shy, didn’t speak or know anyone when she came to class for the very first time. The school year just started so everyone was still settling down and classes were still getting organized. On September 13, 2013, I wouldn’t have thought that everything I once thought and knew were to change based on one person. Her seat was changed and placed right next to me, side by side. I was and still am a very observing person. I never made a move without knowing my surroundings so I knew her nature or so I thought. It was history and we were designing maps. In History class, I needed help drawing the continents and saw that she had a talent when it came to drawing and so I asked her. It’s ironic, a simple map led me to a treasure. A treasure not like any other. A beautiful one named Mahreen but I call her Snips because of her snippy attitude/persona as well as her accent. From there, we became acquaintances and later on friends. We became so close in just a short period of time and it was remarkable. Every moment I spent with her I hold dear to me.
A moment I’m never going to forget is that one of our math teachers literally pulled us out of class because we were just that close. The teacher told me “I know you love her but there are times and places for everything”. When she said that, I laughed because her assumptions were far from accurate but in truth, if I were to hear “I know you love her” now, I’d respond “I know I do, without a doubt”. That eventually lead to the separation of us because we were just to close and I know for a fact, she did that to get at me because I once called her out in front of my mother and in during class due to clear false accusations as well as assumptions. That didn’t stop us from getting closer, not at all. I had both Jesus, “my master”, as well as Mahreen, “my student”.
Something else that would play along would be my admiration for Prometheus. Prometheus, according to Greek mythology, was a greek titan who was selfless and bold. He cared for the lives and well being of others being humans. He spoke out against the wrongs that the higher powers caused with reason and without hesitation and in defied the wishes of the Gods. He’d be someone who I’d try to be like. Now comes the start of the old and beginning of something new.
Seeds of deception were planted throughout middle school and I was blind by my current good fortune to see or do anything about it until it was too late. A former close friend, Faizan, showed multiple signs of betrayal yet I did nothing. It came back to bit me in a few months. At the same time, I started going out with this amazing girl. Basically, everything began going well until said seeds began to grow. Faizan manipulated everyone and turn them against me. Mahreen, having developed a romantic feeling for him left her vision askew so I didn’t tell her anything about it. A division was in place and Jesus helped me during that time and it was him and I and his group of friends that accepted me as one of their own despite not knowing me for that long. It was the first major negative thing to ever happen to me but it didn’t get to me to the point in which I felt bad about myself or it consumed me. I got better and it was definitely good that Jesus was going to need me more than ever.
Chuchu had spent 2 years of his life with someone that resulted in disloyalty. I stood by him for when he needs me most and I did various things to keep his mind out of it. He’d come over and we would just laugh and have a great time while simultaneously slaughtering zombies waves after waves. We’d take out the lightsabers and go to Prospect Park, as a means release the built up steam. At first, he thought it was dumb but then he began going for it. With each strike, he spoke out and as each word got strong and aggressive so did each hit. Overwhelmed, he left me defenseless and on the floor. It helped him out a lot for within the next 3 months, he got better.
Simultaneously, Snips was going through deceptive hardship as well. Faizan, as well as her previous best friend, caused her much harm. They used her emotional attachment to them against her and broke her. I’d become to despise, not her best friend, but Faizan because that son of a b**** was the architect to the loses I endured as well as ones I cared for. From this, I learned to always keep my guard up even when everything appears to be going well. To always be mindful of my surroundings and planning out each step I take.
Keeping both of them in mind, I got stronger myself also for my sake. I went to Mexico and I spent time there just evaluating and processing said events. Snips still need me though considering she basically had no one. I remember it perfectly, that specific phone call. She called me in tears, blaming herself as to why that friendship and everything ended the way it did. I told her “You’re too amazing and too beautiful. It wasn’t your fault and you shouldn’t cry. After all, a princess must never cry. You would’ve never made it as her best friend… but you will make it as mine”. She trusted me despite her trust issues and I was there for both of them.
Life kept going and so did I. I eventually had to let go of that girl I fell for because I realized that happiness isn’t worth it if you’re the cause of the origin’s misery. I experience loss of a loved one and saw the horrors of life first hand. In spite of that, I kept going. Jesus and I began to go to parties and we just had an amazing time from then to 2017. We’d come home late and just met many new people along the way. The sound of the music would just take it all away. The dancing would just make me go with a vibe that cancels everything. The late nights brought clarity to my mind. The wind of the cold night just hitting me in the face would just bring a feeling I can not describe. It’s similar to peace but just so much more. It was magnificent.
I decided to go back to Mexico but this time for a different yet similar reason. I’d sneak out around 1 am and just climb to the roof of my house just to think. It was a feeling unlike any other. No conversation, lightsaber outlet, or thought to one’s self could top it. With the night’s wind hitting me as well as the sound of nature, I looked out into the Mexican field seeing nothing but plants and vegetation stretching for miles from the fence all the way to the mountains of Popocatepetl. All that was heard was the soothing wind brushing the tips of each plant. The sounds of native animals roaming free in the tall grass. The clear night skin was all I saw below and above me. I saw nothing but my thoughts and memories.The first being a walk. It was me and Snips and just a cold gloomy day. Still saddened by recent events, I did what I had to, try to get her amazing smile but there were only a few chuckles. I told her that I was gonna perform a magic trick that I saw and I caught her attention but before I did, I took a sip of water and in process of doing so, I choked. The liquid came out my nose and went all over me. To play it cool, I said “TA-DAA. I made the liquid disappear.” She started laughing and smiling for a long time. The image just stayed in mind. The sound of her voice left me feeling nothing but rejoice. Her smile summarized the Heavens and her beauty. At that moment, I realized a terrible mistake. I fell in love with her knowing damn well there was no chance, none at all.The second moment was when Jesus and I went to our first party together. We had so much fun and at the end of it, he got really emotional which was well needed. He said to me ‘Sammi, you’re the only true friend I have. You’ve been there for me through it all.” I respond “I don’t see you as such. I see you as my brother because you are my brother. I will always be there for you bro. I promise.” We had this long hug and it was just a moment I’m never gonna forget because it further proves where he and I stand. A realization came to me up on that roof which just me and my thoughts. I learn that you should “let the wind take you” every now and then. Just see the moments that have yet to come. I learned one more thing as time went by. I learned no matter the origin and initial sentiment, opposite negative outcomes can be breed from positive events.
When got back, I just lived life and constantly went to parties and still do. Sadly, life loves to show you that it's not consistent. Mahreen texted me late at night while I was at a party. I could’ve told right away that something was off. She was crying because she felt alone and she was going through stuff and was difficult with the bond she had with her father. I just felt that I had to step my game up to make sure she was always happy, felt loved and always had a smile but I didn’t, instead, I failed. I tried and instead caused her trouble. So much to the point that she told to leave and not look back. That I was nothing but trouble. I went to go check up on her despite the cold and time and instead of preventing what I feared, I only made it so. It got to me because hearing those words from the person you love with all you have for the longest are hands down the worst which is an understatement but I didn’t care for my feelings, just her well being and if she felt those were the necessary steps to getting closer to it then I won’t stand in the way of it. I tried to convert the feeling I had for her that were useless into something that would benefit her but did the opposite and I paid the price. The walk back as well as those words would never leave my mind. That walk produced many emotions which would come out in a poem I wrote named Night Fall.
Jesus was by side when it all went down as well as the aftermath. He took me a party a week after that to get my mind off it but I just couldn’t stop thinking about her. He told me that I tried my best and that there was and there’s nothing I could do now and pondering won’t make a difference. It killed me inside knowing that he was right. He told me to stop thinking about and I responded “You and I have a great bond. You basically took me as your own and taught and looked out for me. How would you feel knowing that I no longer wanted you in my life and I told you to go and not look back? Not to ask me how I am, where I am or just ask about me in general? Not to even think of me. You’d come out disappointed. How’d you feel knowing I came out a disappointment? Also, to top it off, how would you feel if that person was someone you truly loved?”. He looked down and said it was something he would never feel because it would never happen. As time passed, I just thought back to what happened with Karina and did the same with this. It didn’t break me but it just gave me a new perspective on things. Nothing would ever be the same again.
As time went one, I’ve seen a continuing pattern; hatred. I realized that all my actions had repercussions being in the form of making adversaries. I’ve met many amazing people which aren’t even an inkling of the remarkable people I’ve met. Others didn’t see eye to eye with my views and beliefs with these being my adversaries. Such people include but aren’t limited to Snips’s previous best friend and also the person I despise with a raging passion and the architect to the pain Snips suffered and the one responsible for past “friends” turning against me. The pattern continued as I expected but not from this place or the people revolving it.
I saw a friend in need and decided to help as I’ve done before. Eventually, we got very close in a short amount of time. We had many, many laughs and tormented others together. I kept being there for him and made sure he was alright. As stated before, not everyone is fond of my belief. His best friend didn’t like it one bit considering that I was there for him when he wasn’t. He came at me and started speaking stupidity about him and who he associates with, calling them out of their name and stating false accusations. He then went for me and the thing was that he used fragments of the past to prove his point on how my beliefs were “poisonous”. He used all my past experiences, those that made me into the person that I am, against me.
It did leave me in much thought. From the moment she said those words all the way to 7:00 pm. I thought everything from the beginning, every moment mentioned and more. Then it hit me. I had a realization as to why I do what. It’s more of a re-realization. Prometheus grew to care about humans more than he did the Olympians. When he saw they were being mistreated, he stood up for them without caring for his own self. I chose to help everyone the best I can. If I see someone down, I’ll go out of my way to at least make an effort and if it’s not enough, then I’d do again and again. If I see someone upset due to repercussions of my doings, I’d change it one way or another even if it meant sacrificing my own happiness. Prometheus gave what he gave to the humans which he grew to love. I learn to do the same especially revolving those who I care about. This was an awakening call. All my experiences brought up at once made me realize that I do everything for a reason, a reason to help those who need it despite those who think otherwise as well as to stand up against said people. It only reinforced my beliefs and was something that was well needed.
I stared into abyss many times and never once have I blinked. Even on the hardest of trials. The toughest of challenges. I never looked away and I didn’t then and I definitely won’t now. If a person such as Snips didn’t cause me to break, all those adversaries and obstacles sure as hell won’t. Dr. Martin Luther King once said, “Every man[person] must decide whether he will walk in the light of creative altruism or in the darkness of destructive selfishness.” For me, I chose to walk within the light with same beliefs relating to Prometheus while also facing the darkness to further expand my beliefs. Many people say that when facing the dark abyss, a great leap forward often requires 2 steps back. To that, I say “Sometimes all it requires is the will to jump.” It didn’t consume me then and it won’t now.