Open Hearted

May 1, 2018
By , Loveland, OH

Marriage is commitment, commitment is to be dedicated, an engagement or obligation that restricts freedom of action. My parents had a commitment at one point, I don’t really know why they committed to each other if it would end five years later. If you want the definition of a perfect family, it’s a myth. At the age of two, my dad decided it’d be best to leave me, with no explanation. I grew up without a dad. Sure my mom had guys over on and off but it wasn’t my dad. I never had a stable home. I was alone, I had to grow up so fast. I wanted to understand why I was never enough for my dad, but I soon learned  could not answer that. I blamed myself for years, judging myself. I was three when I first realized life for me was never going to be the same. This is my story, this is what shaped me…

 

The year of 2015 was probably my hardest among other days. Everything I was doing was on my own. I felt trapped, in a life I didn’t want. My heart hurt. I could feel it breaking through my chest. Some days it got hard for me to breathe, others it was hard to eat but everyday was unstableness, loneliness, and hate I felt. I was becoming someone I didn’t want to be and it was my fault. My mom started to worry about me, it felt like the first time in awhile. I didn’t spend time with family much, I stayed to myself most days not coming out of my room. It felt more personal and reasonable. Even at school my heart couldn’t beat like it was happy, my muscles in my cheeks were too tired to smile. Everything inside of me was anger and sadness. Our minds are an open book, there’s so much more that the human eye can perceive. I tried to take my life a couple times, not because I wanted to die, but because it felt useless to live. My dad was my role model, he made everything feel normal. Soon that changed, my anger grew so fast for him. People don’t die from suicide, they die from sadness. Telling me to forget what he put me through is like asking a murder not to kill you, it won’t happen. My father had put my life in danger multiple times for drugs or alcohol. I was the one he was supposed to love not the cocaine that gave him an adrenaline rush. Hate was not shown through actions for me, it was shown through emotion or writing. No one understands how I feel or, how my mind works. I always think of the negatives, never the positives, I feel like that can’t be changed. I’d rather be alone than hurting.


I do not want people to feel sad after they read this, I also do not want people to apologize or feel bad for me. I want them to learn. You can become happier, I sure did. I started to take in mind that not everything has a solution, and you have to be okay with that. Trust me, i know how it feels, the loneliness, rejection. You can get through it if you have the mindset. I got through it, by talking to someone. I used to think that keeping it all in was the best solution, but it tends to hurt more. I started to care about my appearance and my confidence. I smile a lot more, all the time actually. I let go of the past. Slowly bettering myself day by day. If you can’t change the past, don’t let it change you. This is my story… You’re not alone.






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