I never thought the day after Halloween, November 1st would be one of the worst days of my life. It was a dark Tuesday night. It was about 7, and as usual my family was getting ready to have dinner. The whole house smelled like spaghetti while I washed my hands under the warm water and went to the table. Everything was just as it should be, until the phone rang. It was my cousin’s boyfriend, Jessie, and so my dad answered the phone.

Five minutes later, my dad said, “Sean is up at Skyridge. I am going to run up and make sure that everything is okay. They scared Jessie pretty bad.” As soon as my dad walked out the door I made a mad dash to the bathroom. The whole mood had changed from our normal chaos to tenseness and fear.

My stomach did somersaults as my mind went into overload. Sean, Jessie, Hanna, and I went to Elitches almost twice a week all summer. This was a good way to spend quality time with them and make some good memories. That's where our relationship grew with each other.Especially Sean’s and my relationship, as he had not been around much for the past few years because of his then-very possessive boyfriend. One memory that I will never forget was when Sean snuck up on us at one of the concerts because my sister and I were up by the stage and they liked to stay by the bleachers. We all ended up by the stage dancing our hearts out at a Daya concert. Sean also took me to my first fright fest too.

My worst fear was, “What if that Saturday, our last trip to Elitches, at the haunted house, was the last time I was going to see Sean!” I kept telling myself, “Everything is going to be okay,” and that I couldn't think like that.

Approximately 1 hour later after, my mom got a call from my dad. My mom sat my sister and me on the couch. She was trying not to cry and honestly, she wasn’t doing a very good job. Right then and there I knew that something was very wrong. That's when she told us. She said, “Sean’s gone. It was a car accident.”

My whole world was broken, and it felt like the sky was actually falling. I ran to my room. Sobbing, I fell to the floor. I had no control over my emotions or really anything. Not only was I hurting emotionally, I was hurting physically too. It felt like Regina From Once Upon a Time was ripping my heart out and crushing it just to make me suffer.

I was holding myself, wondering, “How will I ever be whole again? How will I ever go on? Why did this happen to me? Haven't I been through enough!”

After 2 and a half hours of this, Dad came home after telling everyone in the family what had happened. I finally had the courage to grab my phone and text Jessie. I didn't have the courage to find out how everyone else was doing. I didn’t want to hurt them more.
“Hey. How are you doing?” I asked while the tears ran down my face.
He responded, “As best as I can. How are you and your sister doing?”
    “Trying to hold it together,” I replied.
    Caught up in the moment he said, “I love you both so much!”
    I replied, “We love you too.” All the hurt, loss, and pain came rushing back and hit me like a brick wall.

The next day, I went to school, just be surrounded by my friends. By the look on my face when I walked up to them, they knew something was wrong. When they found out the news they were shocked, even though they had never met him. They had heard me talk about all the fun stuff that we did at Elitches over the summer and they could see the pain in my face. It was like they could read me like a book. My whole universe was off and nothing felt right. I felt so lost and alone in the world.  I had a choir concert 2 days after Sean left us. I didn't want to go but I knew if I didn't I could get a bad grade: so I went. Ten days after, I had to go to the memorial service. That was probably the hardest part. I don’t think I ever stopped crying while people were talking. I don’t think that pulling feeling ever went away through the entire service. As you can see these days were a living hell.

After Sean was gone, I realize that he set such a amazing example for my sister and me. I hope one day I will be as positive as he was. I hope that I can be such a supportive person to other people. I hope I can lift people when their down like he did for me and many others. I want to be the person that will light a room or the whole world for that matter.

    Now a year and 4 months later, I still keep going. I make all my decisions, hoping to make my role model proud. Yes, there was a lot I wanted to tell him, and there are a lot of things I will never know. It’s still hard and painful at times, but I try to keep control of when and where to feel those hard emotions. I know he would want me to be happy. I keep going knowing he is safe, he is always protecting me, and that he will always be one of my biggest cheerleaders in life!